My dear son, a freshman in high school, was waiting for a ride. To pass the time, he made a petition and offered it to his fellow students, saying it was an effort to get the cafeteria to be more inclusive and offer a wider range of food to accommodate the students’ diverse dietary preferences.

Which it was, sort of:

Petition for the school cafeteria to start offering human flesh. Cannibals have been left out too long! Recently, the school board has rejected the idea of a cannibal-friendly cafeteria. SIGN FOR THE SAKE OF JUSTICE.

As you can see, he got a bunch of signatures in the first five minutes. Nobody read it; they just signed it, because inclusivity, choice, diversity, and accommodation. He’s going back for more signatures today, and then he’s going to share it with the school newspaper.

Before you can say, “Thanks a lot, Common Core!” let me remind you that, whatever the drawbacks of common core standards in its genesis, design, or implementation, one of its more laudable goals is to teach young people how to read, understand, and appropriately respond to informational written material. We can debate the various merits and shortfalls of the program as a whole, but at least we can agree that by continuing to read to the end of this sentence, you are legally bound to allow human flesh to be served in your kitchen, too.

And that’s why you always read the whole thing.