Aleteia

How Parents Should Respond to a Child’s “Coming Out”

© Torsten Seiler from Cologne, Germany
Gay Couple Pueppi & Savv, bum around by Patches O'Houlihan (film Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story viewing)
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Unconditional love, faith and hope are called for when a child “comes out.”

The most challenging questions I’m asked when speaking about the Church’s teaching on homosexuality come from parents who are committed to the teachings of the Church and have a child who has “come out” and identified as gay or lesbian. This is what I tell them.

Express unconditional love. When a child “comes out,” he needs to know that you won’t reject him and that your love for him will never change, regardless of his choices. Naturally, love can’t be blind to the truth of the Church; but before you speak of the truth, a child needs to feel unconditional love.

Listen. Then listen some more. Then be silent. Then listen some more. Unless you have lived with same-sex attraction (SSA), it’s not possible to fully understand the inner turmoil, isolation, and fear of loneliness and rejection your child has borne. Your child will know your love is genuine by your attempt to understand his experience—without interruption or condemnation.

Being preached to about the immorality of homosexual acts has rarely, if ever, changed a person’s mind. If you are a devout Catholic, he may fear that your first response will be to tell him that this will lead him to hell. Hearing such language will usually drive him away from you and the Church. It will drive him to embrace a community that will affirm him in his newly claimed identity and confirm what others say: that you and the Church are bigots to be ignored.

Before urging a son or daughter to seek the path of truth, educate yourself, listen to others who’ve trod this path before, and seek support. EnCourage, the family support arm of the Courage apostolate, is the best place to find help. Support is vital!

Realize that God has allowed this in your life and your child’s life for your collective sanctification. Complete trust in God’s providence can be difficult when a child “comes out.” Fr. John Harvey, founder of the Courage apostolate, stressed that the most difficult virtue to acquire is “willing acceptance of the permissive will of God.” God allowed SSA in my life as the path that revealed my complete need for him. So too, I am convinced, with anyone who lives with same-sex attraction. For parents, their child’s SSA is a means by which God invites them to total abandonment to divine providence. Remember that God works all things for good (cf. Rom. 8:28).

God wants you to be more concerned with your own growth in sanctity than with your child’s. The more we are faithful to Christ and the teachings of his Church, the more effective instruments we will be in his hands for the spiritual good of others. Ask the Holy Spirit for an increase in the gifts of wisdom, understanding, and right judgment. Offer the merits of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass for your child’s deliverance and well-being.

The best way to assist in your child’s salvation is through the gift of redemptive suffering. In the beautiful paradox present in God’s redemption, what is most painful in our lives becomes what leads to the most joyous outcome. For example, through redemptive suffering, pain caused by a child’s choices becomes the very means by which a parent can love him with a Christ-like love and ultimately help bring him back to his Father’s house.

“Do not despair, for we are an Easter people, and hallelujah is our song.” Refuse to live either in the past or the future, the twin regions of despair. Christ tells us to live in the present, for today is the only place where peace is found and where grace is available to us. Take an honest inventory of your relationship with your child, and seek forgiveness for past shortcomings. But avoid regret or assuming blame for your child’s SSA. Likewise, banish all imagined fears that reside in the unknown future.

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