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“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”

Turtles

Paramount Pictures Corporation

David Ives - published on 08/08/14

The kids will get a kick out of the Turtles, and you will as well.

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Okay, let’s get a couple of things cleared up about this new version of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" before we even get started. First off, Michael Bay did not direct this movie, he just produced it. So, basically, that means Bay’s primary contribution was securing money and spending it on the people who actually made the film. Which in turn means the movie is not necessarily another one of Bay’s jumbled messes of loud, incomprehensible action scenes.

It does look like it’s going to be that way at first. The opening scene has two people simply standing on a pier talking and yet it’s inexplicably filmed in such a spastic manner that I strongly suspect someone was poking the cameraman with cattle prods. I don’t know, maybe Bay stopped by the set and guest directed the opener, because the rest of the movie isn’t really like that. In fact, there’s a rather good extended action sequence later in the film in which the Turtles, an army of ninjas armed with rocket launchers, a tractor trailer truck, and a few other vehicles are all tumbling down the side of a snow covered mountain, and you can actually follow everything that’s happening. No way could Michael Bay pull that off.

The second thing is Megan Fox, who plays intrepid wannabe-reporter April O’Neil, doesn’t really have to act in this film, so the argument over whether she actually has the ability to do such a thing or not is moot. Her bland, generic character exists in this film solely because there has always been an April O’Neil of some kind in the various iterations of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and there probably always will be. Fox says her lines without flubbing them and that’s about all that is required.

Now, if that description of the non-CGI character who has the most screen time in the movie doesn’t sound very promising, then "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" probably isn’t for you. Despite the valiant efforts of Will Arnett as April’s hapless sidekick Vernon and William Fichtner as suspicious businessman Eric Sacks, there just isn’t much depth to the human characters in the movie.

Oh sure, Tohoru Masamune snarls convincingly as Shredder, but since he spends most of his time wearing full body armor, it could be anybody inside there and it wouldn’t matter. Whoopi Goldberg also shows up briefly as April’s disbelieving editor, but, frankly, her character is so innocuous that I all but forgot she was in the movie until I ran down the cast list afterwards. Even more so than in the recent "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes," the humans in this movie are pretty nondescript.

To be honest, the story isn’t much better. There’s a bunch of bad guys who want to poison most of New York and rule what’s left and the only possible cure lies in the mutagen oozing around inside the Turtles’ bloodstreams. There’s some backstory that connects April and Master Splinter and the Turtles in a way that I don’t think has been done before. And yes, there’s plenty of action, including a big sequence near the end set way up high atop a skyscraper, thereby insuring that large chunks of debris can fall onto the crowds gathered below. I’m convinced the screenwriter’s guild requires that every one of their members pen such a scene at least once a year. It’s the only reasonable way to explain why such a scene shows up in every other movie these days. But, back to the point, the by-the-numbers script never rises above that of your standard Saturday morning cartoon.

Fortunately, the cartoon this particular movie is based on is named "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," and the titular characters themselves are surprisingly true to form. Though they may look a little meaner in their latest gritty CGI incarnation, and even though they say a couple of choice words that would never be allowed on Saturday morning TV, the heroes in a halfshell should be quite recognizable to their fans. Leonardo is still the stoic committed leader, Donatello is still the nerdy brains of the outfit, Raphael is still the short tempered bruiser, and Michelangelo is… well, he’s still Mikey, enough said. All the personalities (and, yes, unlike the human characters, the CGI creatures in this film have some) remain intact.

For devoted Turtles fans, that may be enough. The boys eat a lot of pizza, get scolded by their sensei, and perform a whole lot of kung-fu. When they aren’t arguing over who should be in charge or which of them did the most stupid thing, they’re joking around with one another. If anything can save this movie for the nonfan, it’s probably the banter between the brothers. The one-liners and sarcastic quips are fairly nonstop no matter what else is going on, and the majority of them actually work. And let’s face it, along with the chop-socky action, isn’t that what everyone always tuned into the Turtles for anyway? From what I remember, the plots were incidental as long as the green-skinned good guys were kicking butt and cracking wise.

I guess I could be a bit harder on the film if I wanted, but what would be the point? "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is a zero-calories kind of movie. There’s nothing blatantly unhealthy for you in the film, no hidden political agendas being promoted (I’m looking at you "Maleficent") or anything like that. Even all the choreographed destruction never rises above the level of the "A-Team." Guns are fired, swords are brandished, and bombs explode, but I don’t remember anyone ever actually dying on screen. On the other hand, there’s nothing particularly beneficial either, no surprising bit of heart ("Guardians of the Galaxy") or unexpected uplifting message ("The Lego Movie"). "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" has to be one of the most intrinsically neutral films I’ve seen in a while.

I suppose, like all such things, it all depends on what you do with it. If you’ve haven’t taken in this summer’s better movies yet and you decide to watch this one instead, well, shame on you. But if you need something to kill a few hours with the kids on a Saturday afternoon and you’ve already seen everything else, by all means, knock yourself out guilt free. The kids will most likely get a kick out of the Turtles, and you might just as well.

In a world he didn’t create, in a time he didn’t choose, one man looks for signs of God in the world by… watching movies. When he’s not reviewing new releases for Aleteia, David Ives spends his time exploring the intersection of low-budget/cult cinema and Catholicism at  The B-Movie Catechism.

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