Embracing conflict may sound counterintuitive. For many of us, conflict is a plague to be avoided at all costs, while others have a “come-at-me-bro” attitude toward it.
But whether you’re a conflict magnet or a harmony-seeking person, when you get a bunch of people together-whether at home (say, during the holidays), at work (in an overcrowded office with small cubicles), or at play (during a regular Sunday soccer game) you can bet that sooner or later conflict will arise.
This includes your family members, colleagues, employees, employers, friends, and possibly your mechanic and fellow commuter. And when disagreements arise (“You should have passed the ball to me!”), blame will follow, whether in the form of passive aggression (“Yes, I’m sure you would have scored that goal, wouldn’t you?”) or outright argument.
Even if you do everything you can to keep your immediate environment peaceful, conflict will eventually arise, and kindness doesn’t necessarily guarantee harmony. But this is natural and shouldn’t lead to frustration or self-blame (“Oh, I should have been more understanding, more caring, more patient,” or “I should have passed the ball!”)
Conflict is natural to humans, so it should be handled naturally. It can even be a good thing –even if it seems counterintuitive. Shying away from conflict isn’t the answer. In fact, avoiding it is what turns a simple conflict into a problem. We need to deal with it as soon as possible before it escalates. That is, we must “welcome” it.
New situations
What conflict reveals is simply disagreement. And disagreement often leads to great ideas, better ways of understanding each other, simpler ways of approaching problems, new perspectives, fresher strategies, and new opportunities. What conflict is trying to say is that a new situation is emerging, like a butterfly from a cocoon.
In order for conflict to give birth to better situations, we have to deal with it directly, not just allow it to erupt. This can only be done through proper listening and appropriate talking. Conflict resolution requires that the parties involved be given time to talk (following certain rules) and time to listen to each other (again, following certain rules). To ensure that conflicts are handled properly, communication must be adequate. This basically means:
1. Each person involved must be given time to say what they feel they need to say.
2. But that “saying” must focus on the problem at hand (and not on past situations or personality attacks).
3. Conversations are about talking and listening, so put down the smartphones.
4. Conversations must end in some kind of agreement; otherwise, it’s just venting.
Conversation is key
Avoiding conflict doesn’t lead to agreements that help the parties work things out. Since conflict is part of life, we better learn to recognize it, welcome it, deal with it, and move beyond it. Of course, different types of conflict require different approaches: it’s one thing to deal with conflict at home or on the soccer field, but another to deal with it at work, where different tools are often needed. Institutional conflicts often take the form of power dynamics, conflicts of interest, and ideology. Not all conflicts can be resolved with the same techniques, and that’s why there are specialists in specific areas of problem solving.
Still, dealing with conflict, whether it’s at home, at work, or at play, is always in the realm of conversation. “It is important to remember that communication is, above all, the expression and recognition of intentions between two subjects,” notes Dr. Javier Fiz Pérez, Professor of Psychology at the European University of Rome and Delegate for International Scientific Development of the European Scientific Institute of Positive Psychology, IEPP. “The cognitive and emotional environment of the individual is a crucial aspect in creating an effective communicative exchange that allows each person to select the most appropriate information for the situation. People can only communicate when there is a will to do so, otherwise we are talking about ‘information’ instead of ‘communication’”.
