4 Dangers for teen couples

“Should we invite him to the house?” “Should we include her in the family photo on the Christmas card?” “Should we get to know her parents?” These are just some of the questions facing parents whose teenagers believe they are deeply in love — if it's love at all — while they're still in junior high or high school.

Can we really love when our experience of love is still egocentric? Are we really free when it's our need to be loved, or to shine, or to be like everyone else, that's calling the shots?

Father Gaspard, a priest with the St. John Mary Vianney Society, is deeply involved in ministry to young people. He ministers through camps in the alps, as chaplain at Saint-Bonnet de Galaure, and as an “influencer” via his Instagram account.

Consequently, he knows the questions, doubts, and desires that animate the hearts of teenagers, and strives to show them the path that will make them free and happy. He has published two books in French, the latest being Libres! Pour aimer en vérité (“Free! To truly love”) — an accessible, practical work that invites young people to reflect on the foundations of solid love.

One of these foundations lies in not entering into committed romantic relationships too early. He urges teens to be great friends, but not couples. Why? Because “going steady” too early prevents proper maturation.

Getting to know each other through a group of friends, avoiding actions that hinder freedom, remaining discreet... These are all attitudes encouraged by the priest, who addresses his comments to all those who have the joy of experiencing budding love. And the stakes are high! It's all about growing in freedom, so that one day, you can give yourself better.

Here are four dangers that threaten young teen couples.

To love freely, you need to know well the person who makes your heart skip a beat, to be aware of his or her qualities and talents, but also of his or her weaknesses. And “there's nothing better for getting to know someone than observing them in their interactions with others,” says Father Gaspard. “As a teen couple, in a way you’re too close to see each other well.”

Indeed, as a teen relationship is fragile, since the big “yes” has not yet been pronounced, the kids often try to give a good image of themselves. Both tend to show themselves in their best light, in contrast to the “group” effect where everyone is much more natural. “Getting together with friends encourages rich and varied exchanges that allow us to discover each other gently and freely,” he emphasizes.

Another danger of the “little couple” is being together for the wrong reasons, which are all the more difficult to identify as they are often unconscious! Anxiety about loneliness, consolation for inner wounds, satisfaction of sexual desire, the need to be esteemed, admired, pampered…

By definition, adolescents are not yet mature and often lack self-confidence. They look for signs of their worth in the eyes of others. This need to be loved can drive them to form a couple, based on their feelings or impulses. “The desire to be in a relationship then takes precedence over the choice of person,” observes Father Gaspard.

It's a selfish impulse, and contrary to the definition of love — which, on the contrary, invites self-giving. “Love is not about compensating for inner imbalances,” stresses the priest. “It's a way of building something beyond ourselves and living out the call to self-giving that we all feel.”

It's important therefore to distinguish between a relationship where you think only of yourself, and a sacrificial love, turned towards the other, which requires a certain maturity.

It's obviously very pleasant and comfortable to be loved. It even fulfills a vital need. But doesn't the feeling of being loved, the desire to be like everyone else, or even the security of a couple's relationship, hinder discernment? It's hard to ask yourself if he or she really is the man or woman of your life when it's so pleasant to hear someone whisper sweet nothings to you! Or when the couple is systematically invited together everywhere, because it's known that they're “together.”

Formalizing a relationship too early takes away freedom. It gives you the feeling, more or less consciously, that you can't go back. What's more, it often prevents a trusted third party from expressing an opinion on the selection of the chosen one.

In addition to hindering your own freedom, which is essential for discernment in love, the risk of teen couples is that of limiting the freedom of the other person if you adopt a possessive attitude. This attitude is revealed, for example, in the incessant sending of messages and the demand for an immediate response. Father Gaspard sometimes hears a young man complain about not receiving a reply from his sweetheart: “She saw my message and didn’t answer!” 

Fr. Gaspard argues that chastity begins there. “Why are you sending this message?” the priest invites us to ask. “Is it to give information, or to make her/him think of you?” Chastity is loving without possessing, without wanting to seize and take for oneself. “If love is not chaste, i.e. detached and decentered from oneself, a malaise, a feeling of oppression will set in. It can continue to grow, until perhaps it becomes unbearable and even causes the couple to break up, sometimes years later,” the priest warns.

So isn't the most beautiful proof of love that we can offer, to be patient and allow ourselves time to grow in freedom, in order to make a mature, free, and definitive choice that makes us fully happy? Because what makes us happy, says Father Gaspard, is “the free decision to give ourselves forever.”