Chivalry, these days, is increasingly dismissed as old fashioned and maybe, probably, (definitely) sexist? Modern women don’t want to be indebted to men to take care of them. They have their own salaries, take self-defense classes, are highly educated, and don’t need a man for anything, thank you very much. The days of heroic knights doing battle for the hand of a helpless lady are far gone.
Except, I can’t help but notice that modern women still appreciate men who pay for dates, open the car door, and place themselves closer to the road when strolling on the sidewalk. As much as modern society is in denial about the differences between men and women, there are still some unwritten expectations about masculine duties that persist. So maybe chivalry isn’t actually dead at all?
I don’t want to wade too deeply into controversial topics and be labeled a toxic male, but I will admit it seems to me that chivalry is hard-wired into our nature and, as much as we might try to deny it, gender roles have a good and positive effect.
In the beginning, we were created male and female. Throughout history, the sexes have been understood to be complimentary, with men and women having their own particular strengths and weaknesses. Ideally, a marriage is a bond that completes the spouses as they mutually make themselves a gift to the other and become a single heart. The wife nurtures and civilizes her husband and he provides for and protects her. Chivalry, far from being an assertion of male power and dominance, is actually an acknowledgment that the feminine is worthy of being treasured and carefully guarded.
On their own, men tend to be wild and undisciplined. Commonly, men begin to prosper in a career and building a real home specifically for the women they love. There’s something in a man that naturally wants to provide, but he needs a wife and family to bring out that virtue. Chivalry changes him. Makes him better.
As C.S. Lewis points out in his essay The Necessity of Chivalry, “The knightly character is art not nature – something that needs to be achieved…” In other words, the particular genius of a woman’s love is required and, once a man has that, he’s able to transform for the better.
Lewis goes on to point out that, as we become more egalitarian as a democratic society, more attention than ever needs to be placed on learning chivalry. In an egalitarian society, the similarities between men and women are emphasized (quite properly, their equality), but sight is lost of the differences. He argues that, without chivalry to challenge men to take account of those differences, the only alternatives are for men to gravitate either towards brutality or softness.
This makes sense once we realize that chivalry isn’t an expression of toxic masculinity meant to belittle women. Rather, it’s a code of behavior that provides the loose structure that shapes a man in a habit of love. Through practicing masculine virtues, men are taught to become more loving, thoughtful, and even sensitive in large and small ways. It isn’t much for a man to open a door for his wife, but for him it’s an act of love. He knows perfectly well that his wife is capable of opening her own door, but that isn’t the point. The point is the display of affection, a small action that signals an underlying, greater commitment.
I’ve learned over the years of my own marriage that, even if I’m not always great at expressing my feelings verbally, I can express them through chivalrous actions. Like most men, I respond positively to clearly identified duties, so chivalry has motivated and empowered me to express my love. This has been the case with loving my wife, and also I want to note on this Father’s Day, loving my daughters.
There’s something about becoming a father of daughters that changed me. Holding my very first newborn daughter in my arms, how vulnerable and small she was, it activated a fatherly, chivalrous instinct that has only expanded and deepened over the years. I want to become the best possible version of myself for my girls. Mentally, physically, and spiritually I’m engaged in self-improvement because I want to be the best father I can be. The better I am - virtuous, chivalrous, and faithful - the more I can give to them.
Chivalry brings out the best in a father. As C. S. Lewis notes, a man can be a fierce and courageous warrior and, at the same time, a humble, gentle, and merciful father. Two seemingly opposite ideals are brought together, that of tender, gentle love and the protective, warring knight. I think of St. Ignatius, for instance, placing his sword on the altar of Our Lady and then going to the ends of the earth to contend for the Church, or an ancient Greek warrior who writes a poem and then rushes the walls of Troy.
Men who want to be good husbands and fathers should unabashedly strive to towards chivalric virtue. It is God who places within us the striving to improve ourselves so we can give more of ourselves away in love. A man who desires to be chivalrous will, first of all, tend to his spiritual health and that of his family.
The first act of chivalry is faith. Every Sunday, it brings tears to my eyes to see all the young fathers guiding their families into the pews for Holy Mass. In this small action, the heart of chivalry is unveiled. It is to lead those within our care to God, our Heavenly Father.
In my experience, a chivalrous husband and father is very much appreciated by the women in our lives. My wife and daughters know they can count on me. Even though I’m not perfect, I will attempt hard things on their behalf and dedicate whatever strength I have to guard and provide for them. None of this is because I’m some sort of red-pilled alpha male and I think they desperately need me. It’s because they’re worth it.
