The gift of widowhood: No parish can run without them

In every parish I’ve been involved in, there have been groups for parents, families, young adults, teens, and children. These states of life involve specific challenges and blessings, so it’s helpful to have specific ways for people to come together with others who are in a similar state of life for mutual support.

Rarely do I see any mention of widows.

There are, of course, bereavement groups, and ideally a Catholic always has fellow parishioners, friends, and family to help in difficult times, but it seems to me that widowhood is more than learning to deal with a temporary grief. Grief is always in the background. After all, who wouldn’t struggle with the loss of a spouse after spending so many decades together. The grief never really goes away.

When I mention widowhood, though, I mean more than a state in life defined only by grief. I mean to refer to an actual positive, life-affirming vocation. This is not a widely discussed topic, the gifts that widows can offer that no one else can.

Perhaps this is why, occasionally, widows come to me for counsel because they don’t know how to use their time. Often retired and with very few obligations, they miss their spouse, feel lonely and neglected, and have too much time on their hands that they feel they’re wasting.

They aren’t sure what contributions they can make or, for those who are advanced in age and physically slowing down, how to be productive.

I’m still in middle age but I do remember the anxiety of being a teenager and trying to sort out my vocation in life. It was a confusing time and I made quite a few missteps. I cannot image going through the process that a widow goes through of re-discerning a vocation. It’s almost like being a confused adolescent again because, suddenly, everything has changed.

The transition into widowhood, like any stage of life, has its temptations. Going from a busy married life to a schedule that is almost monastic and from having someone else around to being alone isn’t easy. There’s natural temptation to indulge in self-pity, loneliness, or low self-esteem. When no one is around and more challenging to go out, I can see how it would be easy to fall into the habit of watching too much television.

St. Paul, in his letter to Timothy, acknowledges that some widows become busybodies who engage in idle gossip and stir up trouble. These temptations only become more acute when widows feel abandoned, which is why the Bible repeatedly instructs us to care for our widows and not forget about them.

I think what’s important, though, is to be clear that widows have a positive valuable vocation. They make contributions to the health and vitality of the Church that no one else can.

For instance, widows have time and energy to pray. In every church I’ve ever pastored, widows were the heart of the community. They were the ones who came early to unlock the chapel, set up for Holy Mass, lead the rosary, and keep adoration going. There are widows out there in every parish who pray more than the priest does and maybe even spend more time in the church than he does. This is an invaluable gift to the Church. There’s a reason that a widow (Anna) who spent time in constant prayer was one of the first to recognize Christ as the Son of God. Her prayer was prophetic and powerful.

Also, I’ve found that widows are the ones who are most helpful in welcoming new parishioners and being hospitable. They’re always the ones willing to volunteer at fish fry and run the coffee hour. They love to greet the young families at the door after Mass. The younger families are distracted by all sorts of other concerns. The fathers obligated to career, the mothers to child-rearing. The young adults are around and willing to help but in a transitional stage of life. It’s the widows who are faithful and generous when it comes to hospitality. No parish can run without them.

One final way that widows are invaluable is their love for the parish children. A healthy parish has people of all ages (sometimes I worry we over-emphasize young families and neglect to acknowledge older generations), and this includes widows. Many widows have children and grandchildren of their own, but maybe they don’t live in the parish. They’re natural “parish grandparents” for the young families. I’ve seen older widows gladly take a baby off a young mother’s hands for a spell.

These reasons, and probably more I haven’t listed, lie behind the early Church tradition of formalizing the apostolate of widows. St. Paul explains to Timothy that widows can be enrolled in the apostolate and encouraged in their vocation. He explains the qualifications:

From his list, we get an idea of the work that only widows can accomplish.

Yes, transitioning to a new state of life is never easy, and widowhood is marked by its particular form of suffering. However, it also opens up new opportunities to love God and the people around them. Widows have a vital role to play and the Church is blessed to have them around.