There’s a phrase of Flannery O’Connor’s that I quote so much I’ve started to take it as a motto for parenting.
O’Connor wasn’t talking about parenting when she said it. She was actually talking about education. But are those really so different? The Catechism itself says that parents are called to be their children’s “primary educators.”
O’Connor’s memorable phrase appears in Mystery and Manners, in an essay giving her opinion on literature classes.
A teacher, she wrote, should not make the mistake of allowing the students to choose what books to read. Instead, it is her task to introduce them to the Great Tradition, so that when they come to modern fiction it makes sense in its proper context.
Here is her zinger of an ending to this advice:
And if the student finds that this is not to his taste? Well, that is regrettable. Most regrettable. His taste should not be consulted; it is being formed.
Forming a child’s taste
That phrase has entered the daily lexicon of my family, paraphrased: “The child’s taste is being formed and should not be consulted.”
We use it to apply to all kinds of things, from doing chores and finishing homework to going on family hikes (despite complaints from the small fry) or choosing uplifting and positive books and movies to enjoy.
I love this advice, not only because children often don’t know what is best for them — how can they, with their limited experience? — but also because I honestly really cherish my responsibility to form my children’s tastes. One of the best things about being a parent is sharing the things we love with our kids, so we can enjoy them together.
I was surprised to find O’Connor’s brilliant advice echoed by another great writer, in C.S. Lewis’s Abolition of Man. He wrote:
Aristotle says that the aim of education is to make the pupil like and dislike what he ought… The little human animal will not at first have the right responses. It must be trained to feel pleasure, liking, disgust, and hatred at those things which really are pleasant, likeable, disgusting and hateful.
He cites several other authors like St. Augustine and Plato, showing that the principle that children’s tastes need formation stands the test of time.
Me, too!
And it’s not just kids, is it? My own natural tendency is toward bad habits like spending hours on Instagram, and I need regular formation and self-education to overcome that.
But the beautiful thing about being a parent, or any kind of educator, is this: The more we strive toward what is good, true, and beautiful ourselves, the more we teach our children and students to love those things too.
