Most of us do our fair share of grumbling and complaining, and it’s not easy to kick the habit.
But recently I came across a section of the Rule of St. Benedict that cut right to the heart of my complaining habit.
St. Benedict wrote his famous Rule all the way back in the year 530. The Rule was for monks living communally under the authority of an abbot. His goal was to give clear guidelines and direction for men living in these close communities.
All these centuries later, his Rule is still quite applicable for anyone who has to live with others.
While most of us are not called to be monks, we are called to live well and peacefully in community with others.
Day in and day out, we have to get along and try to be like Christ … even when our roommate or spouse or child is driving us up a wall.
St. Benedict’s wisdom is perfect for these situations.
St. Benedict comes down hard against complaining
It turns out that one of the habits St. Benedict warns most strongly against is that of grumbling and complaining. Here’s the section of his Rule that brought me up short:
This very obedience, however, will be acceptable to God and agreeable to men only if compliance with what is commanded is not cringing or sluggish or half-hearted, but free from any grumbling or any reaction of unwillingness …
If a disciple obeys grudgingly and grumbles, not only aloud but also in his heart, then, even though he carries out the order, his action will not be accepted with favor by God, who sees that he is grumbling in his heart. He will have no reward for service of this kind; on the contrary, he will incur punishment for grumbling, unless he changes for the better and makes amends.
Why is grumbling so bad?
Few things are more destructive to a community. Complaining, especially when other people are roped into it, breeds division and frustration.
Of course there are reasonable grounds for criticism in many cases, but in that case, the dissension should be handled in a productive way, perhaps by approaching the other person privately, or taking the matter to someone in authority.
St. Benedict was really prescient, as it turns out complaining actually has a harmful effect:
- It rewires the brain for negativity
- It can even physically damage the brain, reducing your capacity for learning, memory, and cognitive function
- It releases stress hormones, putting your body in fight-or-flight mode and increasing your risk for high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.
- It can push people away, as they want to avoid the constant negativity
The solution to complaining
There are two parts to kicking the complaining habit. The first is cultivating gratitude and the second is communicating our needs.
The opposite of complaining is being grateful, so cultivating gratitude is a powerful antidote to complaining and negativity.
I like to meditate on the beautiful words of the Eucharistic Prayer: “It is truly right and just, our duty and salvation, always and everywhere to give you thanks.”
What would our lives look like if we “always and everywhere” gave God thanks? Who would we become if our words were filled with gratitude rather than grumbling?
For one thing, we’d fit in a lot better in St. Benedict’s community!
Besides cultivating gratitude, the other solution is to clearly communicate what we want and need.
Complaints happen for a reason. A complaint is an unmet desire. Something is bothering us; something isn’t happening the way we would like. As one therapist said, “Contained inside every complaint is an unfulfilled need.”
Instead of grumbling, how can we find a way to get our unfulfilled need met? How can we communicate about what we need, or look for ways to change the situation? Or if the situation cannot be changed, how can we ask God to help us carry this cross?
One of the keys in this area is managing expectations, and ensuring that we aren't expecting human beings to fulfill needs in our heart that only God can fill.
It isn’t easy to stop complaining! I tried to give it up for Lent one year, and had to quit after three days because it was just too hard.
But St. Benedict’s words are a powerful pull to try it again. I’m looking for ways to replace my grumbling with gratitude — and asking God for the grace to stick with it this time!
