A few weeks ago I described how to know if you’ve found “the one” to marry. I’m a positive thinker, so I’m convinced there’s someone out there for everyone, but of course my outlook doesn’t always match up to reality.
Some people worry they broke up with the love of their life, only realized it after it was too late, and now will never get married. They regret that they lost their nerve at the thought of marriage, that they took the relationship for granted, or mistakenly thought they wanted freedom to enjoy single life for longer. The current zeitgeist has cold feet at the idea of marrying at a younger age and encourages folks to not settle down too soon. Because of this, a lot of relationships end, which in retrospect, would have provided life-long happiness.
There are also single people who have been searching everywhere for a mate but simply haven’t had any luck. Now they’re concerned they’ve missed their chance. They fret that they haven’t looked hard enough or put themselves into the right situations. Now they’re doomed to grow old alone.
As a priest, sometimes people come to me asking if they missed their marriage vocation and lost their chance at happiness. They don’t know how to move forward and are trapped by regret. One of the greatest virtues is hope, which keeps us motivated and inspired, but it’s a real challenge to maintain hope when life hasn’t turned out as planned.
As Catholics, we have an additional concern when it comes to finding a life calling, because we have to sort out precisely who is called to the priesthood or religious life. The idea of becoming a priest or religious can be daunting. It requires a great deal of sacrifice. The idea of becoming a parish priest intimidates young men because they observe how much responsibility a priest has. This was my experience as a young man. I worried I would never be confident enough to be a good homilist or that I’d give bad advice in the confessional and ruin someone’s life. I always knew I had a vocation, but there were at least a few months leading up to my entrance into a theology program in college when I was in serious denial.
I wonder what my life would have looked like if I hadn’t followed through. Would I be full of regret?
In our Latin Mass Oratory, we’re blessed to have a larger than usual number of young men and women discerning vocations. When they ask for advice, I tell them to not be anxious, that God will get them to the right place in the right timing if they’re open and attentive to his call.
I mention that it’s always a good idea to explore all the vocational options even if it’s only to be sure that certain vocations are not the right ones. That way, the decision if made with all possible information.
The way I see it, God calls each of us to a vocation, but even if we’re slow to accept it or miss it entirely, he won’t hold our flaws against us. Even if we feel we miss that initial calling, we might get another chance later, or God might even provide a new path to find him. Keep in mind that he has known from all eternity how our freedom would interact with his grace. He responded to Adam and Eve's failed use of freedom with the greatest promise of all -- our Savior.
I’ve known some young men who, sadly, were pressured out of attending seminary by their parents. Yet today, God has given them new paths and they’re happily married. I do think that God has a plan for each person’s life, but even when those plans go awry, he works to get us back onto a happy path. He is not in the business of dooming his children to frustration and sadness.
My own vocation story is so long and twisting that even I have trouble keeping all the details straight. I think it would’ve been easy at multiple points in my life to wonder if I’d missed my calling. In fact, I wondered that many times. Over the years, though, I’ve come to see the wisdom in the old saying that God writes straight with crooked lines. If I can make it, anyone can.
Going forward
If I had to summarize what I’ve learned over the years, I suppose it would be the following.
Don’t plan. Discern.
When we fixate on a plan, the idea we get stuck in our mind might not be the correct one and it may blind us to other options. Put aside preconceived plans and discern. Pray and listen. God is the God of fresh beginnings. He’ll probably give you insight into a fresh vocation if you think you’ve missed yours or reveal that you haven’t, in fact, missed your vocation at all.
Don’t dwell on past regrets.
We can’t get hung up on paths not traveled. We also cannot fall into the misconception that the only possible vocations are priesthood or marriage. Everyone has a vocation. Right now. Be the best employee you can be, best son or daughter, parent, friend, lay catechist, artist, gardener, teacher, fisherman...
You may not have missed your vocation at all.
Difficulties, obstacles, or suffering doesn’t automatically mean you’re on the wrong path. You may think your life would’ve been better if you’d chosen differently, but that’s wishful thinking. Every vocation has challenges and setbacks, even while I firmly believe each person’s calling contributes to their happiness. Remember that happiness doesn’t necessarily mean easy success or lack of struggle. The best outcomes always require effort.
The amount of pressure on us to not miss our vocation can be tremendous. It really is too much.
Remember that God always wants the best for his children. He’ll never abandon us to a meaningless life. Knowing this, we don’t need to worry so much about finding a vocation. We just need to be attentive and discerning, because God is always calling us onward.
