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Even in a great marriage, it’s easy for spouses to start feeling like roommates or “ships passing in the night” as life gets busy. And when isn’t life busy?
We want to have a great marriage. We know we need to spend time together. But how can we carve out the time?
Recently I’ve found out about three things that can really make a difference in a marriage.
16 Magic Hours
I’d seen variations of this concept before, but perhaps the clearest explanation is here from the Gottman Institute.
The idea is that you can build a great relationship in about six hours a week of intentional time. Psychologists call these the “magic six hours.”
Here’s exactly what is involved in the six hours:
Partings: Happy couples make an effort to learn one thing that is happening in their partner's life that day before saying goodbye in the morning. The goal is to ask questions and learn about the exciting and not so exciting things about your partner's day. 10 minutes per week (2 minutes a day x 5 working days)
Appreciation and Admiration: Use an admiration journal to record something small you notice and connect it to a trait you admire in your partner. This primes your mind to see the positive traits of your partner, instead of focusing on the negative and also makes your partner feel valued. 35 minutes per week (5 minutes a day x 7 days)
Reunions: When you see your partner again at the end of the day, share a hug and kiss that lasts at least six seconds. The six-second kiss is a ritual of connection that is worth coming home to. Afterwards, have a stress-reducing conversation for at least 20 minutes. 1 hour and 40 min per week (20 minutes a day x 5 working days)
Affection: Make sure to embrace each other before falling asleep (cuddling or goodnight kiss). Think of these moments of affection as a way to let go of the minor stressors that have built up over the day. 35 minutes per week (5 minutes a day x 7 days)
Date Night: During your date, ask open-ended questions and focus on turning towards each other. This important "we time" is a relaxing and romantic way to stay connected to each other. 2 hours once a week
State of the Union Meeting: Spending just one hour per week discussing areas of concern within the relationship gives couples the freedom to express their fears and concerns in a way that makes them feel heard and loved instead of feeling neglected. 1 hour once a week
It sounds like a lot, but really it’s about 5% of your time. Well worth the investment to build a strong and happy marriage!
2The Alpha Marriage Course
This wonderful online video course helps you and your spouse have great conversations and get to know each other better.
My husband and I have been attending this event weekly (with dinner and childcare — a dream!) at Notre Dame Parish, one of many great initiatives there.
But you can also do the series from home, and several of my friends enjoy watching the videos after their kids are in bed.
Unlike some marriage resources we’ve seen, the Alpha course is not cheesy at all. It’s clever, wise, enjoyable, and incredibly well done. I can’t recommend it enough!
3Regular date nights
If there’s one thing I learned from both Gottman’s 6 Magic Hours and the Alpha Marriage Course, it’s that couples need a regular date night. Once a week is ideal, but even once a month is better than nothing.
I don’t know about you, but my family is on a budget, and dinner out plus a babysitter adds up quickly. So I’ve started coming up with creative ways to make date nights happen.
My best tip is doing a “babysitting swap” with another family. Once a month or so, my friends’ kids get dropped off for pizza and a movie night, then another day it’s my turn to drop off my kids for a few hours.
We’ve also embraced activities outside the box: things like a cooking class, kayak rental, outdoor concert, trivia night, or a hike in the woods. These activities often cost less than dinner at a restaurant, but the novelty keeps our dates exciting and adventurous as we get to try new things together.
What’s your best advice for building a strong marriage? And how do you make date nights happen during busy seasons? We’d love to hear in the comments below!
