The Holy Family gives us a “lesson in family life” and Jesus’ time with Mary and Joseph is meant to “teach us what family life is,” says the Catechism.
That’s critically important because family love is what God wants the whole world to look like. “The Christian family loudly proclaims both the present virtues of the Kingdom of God and the hope of a blessed life to come,” said the Church in Vatican II.
Yet too often our family interactions are less loving than our other social interactions, and while we are willing to do a lot for family in extreme situations, we do far less for them in other times.
Here are four resolutions to live family life more like the Holy Family — and treat the world outside your home more like they would.
Resolution 1: Respect your family like you respect your guests …
St. Benedict said to treat every guest as Christ. But sometimes it might be harder to treat family as Christ.
- When guests don’t understand things the same way we do, we accept that and find patience to explain. But, with family, we too often want them to understand what we said the way we said it, with no compromise.
- With guests, we find the most charitable reason for our disagreements, and try to find common ground. With family, we are more likely to escalate our disagreements, moving them away from common ground to active battlegrounds.
- When we have a request to make of a guest, we modulate our voices to sweeten the ask, and if they ask something of us, we are disappointed if we can’t help. With family, our demands are too common and our politeness is too rare.
So, in our speech, arguments, and requests, resolve to treat family like guests.
Resolution 2: Serve other people like they are family.
Think of what we will do for family:
- If a family member is in the hospital, we drop everything to visit them.
- If a family member is in danger of losing home or livelihood, we maximize ways to help.
- If a family member is facing an existential crisis, we talk them through it, as long as it takes.
We do that for family because they are the people we love unconditionally. They don’t have to earn our love or repay our efforts. But the works of mercy are nothing more than a command by the Lord to treat everyone that way, because they are all worth it.
So, when they are in need, resolve to treat others like family.
Resolution 3: Cherish your family like they are the “obituary version” of themselves.
Five years before a family member dies, we see a distorted version of them when we look at them.
- We can tend to sum up their history as the story their sins and missteps
- When we look at how they spend their time, we see what they could be doing and even should be doing instead of the value of what they are doing.
- We look at them and hope that they will one day they will become the best version of themselves.
But then, at their deaths, we see our family members stripped of all the dross of judgement we put on them, and when we write their obituary, their true worth shines through:
- We sum up their history as one victory after another.
- We proudly point to what was noble in their pastimes, even the ones we didn’t appreciate before.
- We realize there were not “versions” of themselves: They were who they were, loveable and great.
God, I think, always sees us in that latter way. Ironically, this presents a greater challenge to us. God’s attitude tells us, not, “You are pathetic. Be better,” but, “You are great. I expect a lot of you. Be better.”
Resolution 4: Live the life you want in your obituary.
Spiritual guides have long advised that we should think of our life from the point of view of our deathbed, and live the kind of life we want to look back on then.
Another way the advice is stated is “Start doing the things you want mentioned at your funeral.”
In 90% or more of the cases, 90% or more of obituaries are taken up with what a person did for their family and friends, with a passing mention of what they did at work.
Children remember the times their parents spent time with them, not the things they provided for them. Spouses appreciate each other’s hard work done for the family, but they remember loving words and caring actions with the family more.
Resolve to start acting out the core family memories today that they will fill your obituary later.
