The only parenting advice you actually need

Years ago, I heard advice that changed my life.

I was at a Montessori school’s parent education night. 

A seasoned educator was telling the parents all about the Montessori method — why it works and how to bring it into our homes.

As she went on and on — about developmental stages and learning towers, sensitive periods and black-and-white mobiles — my head started to swim.

I knew I couldn’t be the only parent in the audience feeling totally overwhelmed.

The speaker seemed to notice, because she suddenly stopped her lecture to look straight at us.

“None of this actually matters, you know,” she said abruptly.

We sat up, confused. 

“It’s good to know, and these things are nice to have,” she said. “But it’s not the most important thing.”

She’d caught our attention, and we leaned in. 

What was the most important thing? A certain kind of prepared environment? A magic phrase to engineer cooperation?

Nope. She hit us with this:

I went to that lecture about 15 years ago, but I’ve never forgotten it. Every time I face a problem or dilemma as a mother, I think back to that golden piece of advice. 

Of course, there are lots of other things that are important for parents to know — like that love includes firm and consistent discipline. But this wisdom is a North Star for me. I try to guide my mothering and my family life by it.

I thought back to that advice when I read a recent online debate about whether or not a parent should play with their kids, kicked off when a dad admitted he doesn’t enjoy playing with his child. 

Let’s start with clearing the air. You’re not a bad parent if you don’t like playing with your kids. Many parents don’t get a thrill out of sitting down to play trains or dolls.

Playing can be a beautiful way to spend time together. It's sweet to hear the little scenarios kids invent. I love listening to my kids play, catching a glimpse into their vivid imaginary worlds. And I often use play as a means to an end, like saying, "Let's pretend we're fairies gathering berries. These toys are the berries, and the toy box is our basket. Come, fairies, we must harvest this food quickly or we shan't have enough for the winter!"

But joining in their imaginative games? That's rare for me. When I do, it’s in a way I don't find onerous, like watching them perform a play they’ve invented or judging a gymnastics competition. 

The truth is that kids play very differently than adults do. They love to play the same thing over and over, and we often “ruin the game” if we try to imitate it. We just don’t know how. I found this analysis a helpful explanation of why adults often don’t enjoy playing in the way that kids do. It’s normal! We aren’t children, and we don’t play the way they do.

Families also have different situations at different times. The age and number of children makes a big difference. When I only had one child, I played with him a lot, because he didn’t have another playmate much of the time. Now that I have four children, they entertain each other and rarely want me to join the game. 

So it’s OK if you don’t play much with your children. But what can we learn from this conversation and take away from the topic?

Invite your child along into the things that bring you joy and fun. Let’s not put our kids into a box and assume what they will like. You might be amazed at the things they enjoy doing when you invite them into those experiences with you.

To give you examples from my own life, my children and I love having dance parties, baking and cooking together, reading together (and doing kids’ book club), and going to museums. My husband would add, “And following Philadelphia sports!” 

Instead of trying to force myself into playing like a kid, I invite my kids into my hobbies and pleasures, and they’ve responded with enthusiastic interest. We are all happier for it.

Frankly, toddlers and preschoolers are not the most fun people to pal around with. And I say this as a mother of four young kids. That age group is at peak cuteness and darling beyond belief, but God designed it that way so we would be willing to tolerate all their shenanigans. Because those people are just not reasonable at all. 

Now that my kids are getting older, I’m relishing how fun the older ages are. My kids can play board games and card games with me now — and not throw a fit if I win. We have the best family adventures and outings. We enjoy movies and music together. It’s just a lot more fun to “play” with them than when they were all small and irrational.

All I’m saying is that, if you don’t love playing with your erratic toddler, that’s normal. Give it a few years and see how much you’re going to enjoy hanging out with them once they’re a little older. 

Not to put too fine a point on it, but social media is full of nonsense. Why take advice or criticism from random people online who might not even have kids or any clue about child development? 

You are the expert on your child. You know what they like and whether they are getting enough love and attention. You know whether they could benefit from some one-on-one “special time” playing with you, or whether a good snuggle and chat together would do the trick. 

As that speaker said, just make sure they know — deep in their bones — that you truly love them. 

Pour love onto your child generously and extravagantly. Find every opportunity to tell them how precious they are to you, what a blessing they are, how grateful you are that God gave them to you, and how lucky you feel to get to be their mom or dad. 

If you do want advice, talk to people you trust, good parents in your own community. Talk to Jesus: Pray and ask God to guide your parenting with wisdom. Take to Him in prayer any challenges you’re facing with your kids, and ask Him to bring you a solution and show you the best way forward (He’s done it for me, so many times). 

Loving hard on our kids might look like playing with them, or it might not. You get to decide. But either way, don’t waste a minute of your time wondering what a random stranger on the internet thinks about it.