How to know when we’re gossiping

For a long time, I thought gossip was the act of sharing untrue information or exaggerating the truth until it became untrue. I’m not imaginative or energetic enough to make up any really juicy rumors, so gossip never really tempted me. Or so I thought.

Gossip, however, also includes sharing things that are very much true. In my mind, as long as I was telling the truth, it didn’t matter so much that I was talking about someone else in order to laugh about them or judge them. Sure, I felt a twinge of guilt about the laughing and judging and would regret it, but I thought, in principle, that it was perfectly fine to be talking about other people since I was telling the truth.

Of course, it was gossip. It always was. I was talking about other people I had no business discussing, no matter my motivation for bringing it up. I might dress up the gossip and pretend I was sharing it for a good and noble reason, but really, I just wanted to be the one with the news. I guess it made me feel important. I don’t know, maybe I wanted to feel better about myself or assuage jealousy by tearing someone else down.

Even true information when spread maliciously becomes detraction and detraction, even if it isn’t slanderous, is a form of gossip. These days, I try to be more tight-lipped in general and, if someone’s name comes up, I focus on putting that other person into a good light.

I still find myself affected by gossip, though, and I don’t simply mean the times I don’t live up to my ideals. Like anyone, I have opinions about just about everything and everyone, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more apparent it has become that a shockingly large number of my opinions are based in nothing more than vague feelings and hunches. Entire reputations are staked on these vagaries, and the vagaries were formed, whether I like it or not, from listening to gossip.

I have formed negative opinions of celebrities, politicians, the Holy Father, priests, fellow Catholics -- all sorts of people, really -- because I’ve read gossipy tweets and unfounded newspaper editorials, or overheard comments from friends. More than a few times, I’ve had my heart set against someone even before I met them because of unfair opinions I’d picked up from gossip.

Relationships soured, false opinions formed, reputations damaged, all because of seemingly insignificant little pieces of gossip floating around.

There is so much information out there, much of it false or defamatory, that it’s hard to avoid becoming prejudiced by it. Perhaps we would all do best to not only minimize our own participation in gossip but also to slow down and be more aware of how gossip forms us. The fact is, if gossip was water we’d be drowning.

There’s such a fine line between being informed and gossip it’s hard to know where the line is. How do I know if what I’m hearing is harmful? Or what I’m saying?

Figuring out exactly when I’m gossiping is a challenge. Is it gossip to vent to my wife about a hard day at work and how a co-worker annoyed me? Talk to my mother about a shared concern over another family member? Discuss with my best friend a problem I have with another person?

How do we know if it’s gossip? Here’s a tentative framework I’ve created.

Gossip is motivated by negativity. When I share information to tear someone down, unfairly judge them, or because I’m jealous, it’s gossip. If the discussion needlessly damages someone’s reputation, it’s gossip.

Gossip lacks empathy. It selectively shares facts, slants the truth towards a preconceived narrative, and indulges in partial truths. Instead of trying to see both sides of a question, gossip unfairly simplifies in order to make two separate “teams” and create division.

Gossip results in feeling guilt or vague unease. It isn’t easy to identify gossip as we’re falling into it, but the lingering guilt afterwards indicates that, yes, perhaps, it was. After years of mistakes, I’ve learned not to ignore the promptings of my conscience even if I can’t quite explain yet why I feel uneasy.

Gossip is related to the vice of curiosity. Being too interested in everyone’s business isn’t healthy. We don’t need all the details. We don’t deserve all the details. We have enough to handle trying to get our own sins under control without talking about those of others.

Gossip can sneak up on us in a “Christian” form, so we need to be careful. It can be disguised as a prayer request because so-and-so is “struggling,” or it can take the form of a friendly warning that so-and-so harbors a sin or problem at home or was involved in a dispute a while back and acted terribly so be careful. In the end, sharing what is not ours to share is still gossip, even when disguised under good intentions.

It’s not gossip when the conversation is with a trusted confidant who will absolutely not share the information any further, who suggests positive interpretations of the actions of the other person, tries to see both perspectives of a conflict, and helps brainstorm positive solutions.

It’s not gossip when the motive for sharing is to sincerely gain advice and counsel. Occasionally we even need to vent a little in order to regain emotional control, just so long as the end result of emoting is being talked down from an extreme reaction into a more accurate, rational perspective.

All of us need good counsel, so there will be situations that require two people discussing a third party. Such discussions, though, must always be charitable. Our speech is powerful. It can shape reputations, build or destroy relationships, divide or unite. Always remembering that those we talk about are made in the image of God, let’s strive to use our words to uphold their dignity.