When I thought about the type of people I like to hang out with, the sort of people who leave me feeling energized, they all shared one personality trait – they were encouragers.
One of my imperfections is that I like to make cynical little quips to get cheap laughs. I used to be really bad about this and have improved dramatically at avoiding it, but the temptation is always there. Cynical criticisms make me seem smart (at least I think I sound smart), and I desperately want to seem smart. It gives me warm fuzzies to pretend that, if I were in charge, I would know just how to fix the problem and how everyone else is making the wrong decisions. Of course, criticisms and cynical jokes are often at the expense of other people. If nothing else, they introduce a negative atmosphere into a conversation.
Maybe a decade ago or so, I realized that my whole cynical smart-guy persona was terrible. People would find themselves discouraged by being around me because I was always dragging everyone down. I decided to change.
When I thought about the type of people I like to hang out with, the sort of people who leave me feeling energized, they all shared one personality trait – they were encouragers. They didn’t focus on making themselves look good by making cynical quips. Instead, they looked for ways to build up the people around them.
This week is the feast of St. Barnabas. His given name was actually Joseph, but the other apostles nicknamed him Barnabas, meaning “Son of Encouragement,” after he sold his property to donate to the poor. Barnabas lived up to his name, not only by encouraging the poor through his generosity, but also, he was the only one who vouched for St. Paul after his conversion. The other Christians were all afraid of him, remembering his past as the persecutor of the Church, but Barnabas saw the good in him and encouraged the Christians to forgive him. Later, Barnabas was sent to Antioch to investigate a growing Christian community of converts and was said to have greatly encouraged them in their desire to live as Christians.
One of the effects of becoming discouraged is to literally lose courage. A discouraged person is on the brink of giving up. The obstacles have grown and blocked out a vision of the goal, past failures loom too large to overcome, and motivation falters. I wonder how often we give up right when we’re at the brink of success, or even give up in the midst of success because we’re unable to see it and the critics are messing with our head. We end up too discouraged to maintain proper perspective and risk losing a well-earned success.
I think, for instance, of parents who think they’re failing because all they can see is the messy house and chaotic schedule. They fail to notice all the love in their family and how happy their children are. Or I think about how we so often want to give up on going to confession because the same old vice is still there. We fail to notice that even though it’s still a battle the vice is greatly diminished because of years of hard work.
In these scenarios, all we need is a little encouragement. A kind word of support, a hopeful insight, an expression of gratitude. These go a long way.
Be intentional
Some people (like St. Barnabas) are naturals at it or have become naturals, others (like me) need to be more intentional about encouraging those around us. Every day, we can be looking for opportunities. The opportunities don’t even need to be all that big – small actions make a huge difference. I realized this from paying close attention to those people who I found energizing to be around. It might be a comment about how my new shirt looks good or how polite my children are. They might simply comment that they appreciate our conversation or note that they tried out a restaurant recommendation I’d given and it was great. These seemingly insignificant comments have changed my whole mood.
Work toward a habit
Having formed the intention to be an encourager, I realized that it couldn’t be a one-time thing. It’s a way of life. With practice, even though it wasn’t natural to me, I was able to turn it into a habit. Like anything, forming a habit requires repetition. The encouraging people I admire didn’t simply encourage me one time – they somehow manage to do it every single time we talk. Their frame of mind is always oriented towards assisting the people around them.
Be specific
You’ll notice that the examples I provided above are all specific. Someone took the time to point out the specific shirt I was wearing and say they liked it. They weren’t simply flattering me that “you always dress well.” For me, it’s nice to be told “you seem like a good parent,” but my heart absolutely swells with joy when someone says something more specific like, “I love having your daughter in my catechism class,” or, “Your son did a great job altar-serving today.” Encouragement is most needed in the specific day-to-day of our lives, the actual places we might secretly (or not-so-secretly) be discouraged. Encouragement is personal, which is why I think it is very effective even in small doses. It isn’t so much that a discouraged person needs to be flattered or hear a huge pep-talk as much as it’s so very comforting to feel known, to make a connection, to simply feel that someone values and appreciates them.
This personal connection is everything. It fosters community. It reminds a person that they are not alone and, even if they’re going through a tough time, they can face it with courage. There is hope and a goal that makes any difficulty worth fighting through. This shift in perspective is valuable and nothing can replace it. I thank God for all the people who have encouraged me throughout my life and hope that I can, to at least some small degree, give the same gift to others.
