While for many of us, it takes a lot of energy to meet new people, the effort is worth it. Here are three tips to make it a bit less daunting.
I’ve been on countless youth group trips, work mixers, and group retreats in my time and can say with confidence that the part I dread is when the host inevitably instructs us to split up for dinner and “sit by people you don’t know.” Occasionally, the table gets lucky and some extrovert is there who brings the experience to life. By the time the meal is over, everyone is laughing and having a great time like old friends. To me, extroverts are like magical unicorns. They’re so personable and good at making connections. Most of the time, however, the table is full of people like me. We try our best to make some small talk but it quickly evaporates. We stare at our food for a minute and concentrate on chewing. Someone remarks that the food is really good. Someone else agrees. We all begin to inwardly question everything about ourselves.
It can feel impossible to make connections with new people, which is why I suspect that very few of us make new friends once we’re into adulthood. When we were children, most of us were positively delighted in going to the playground and playing with new kids, or going to Vacation Bible School, or joining a sports team. A child makes new friends quickly and easily without a hint of awkwardness or social unease.
For adults, it’s harder. Sure, we might bond with a few coworkers over time or enjoy meeting the new neighbors, but it’s rare that any of us positively looks forward to going to an event in which we don’t know anyone. For a few, very outgoing folks, it’s a great experience. For the rest of us, it’s intimidating. We’d rather stay home and watch television.
All is not lost!
Sometimes, it’s disheartening how difficult it is. I would love to be the sort of person who makes new friends everywhere he goes, but that really isn’t my personality, which makes me wonder if I’m even likable. I would like to become more likable and know how to set people at ease for a nice conversation. Small talk isn’t natural to me (even though I fully acknowledge its value), and I prefer to get into more substantive conversations very quickly (someone just the other day asked me out of the blue what book I’m currently reading and it made me so happy). The problem with that, though, is that if people haven’t warmed up to each other, it can be off-putting when I try to jump into the conversational deep-end. I don’t have a naturally magnetic personality, though, which can ease the way for a more substantive conversation.
All is not lost, though! I’m not a natural at it, but I’ve found over the years that if I put in the effort and energy, social encounters are always rewarding. For all us non-extroverts, it just takes a little more focus. We have to be intentional and practice ways to make connections. Here are a few tips I’ve found helpful.
1It isn’t about being talkative
In order to have a great conversation, you don’t have to talk a lot, be super funny, or have the most interesting stories. In fact, trying to be the center of attention is counter-productive. Good conversations are a two-way street. A person who monopolizes the conversation might think they’ve engaged with a new group of people but they really haven’t. My guess is that everyone is secretly bored and trying to exit the chat.
A good conversation is one in which the participants listen to each other and take an interest in what is said. What I’ve realized over the years is that absolutely everyone is interesting in some way if I can just figure out what their passions are. I’m always very happy to engage in a topic that interests them instead of shoe-horning the conversation into a few select areas of interest. When I was a graduate student, I only talked about my most recent theology papers. I was super boring and self-indulgent. I’ve learned to stop doing that and take much broader interests. When I engage in what other people are passionate about, the conversation begins to flow freely and naturally.
2You don’t have to ooze self-confidence
Some people are naturally very confident. Others are more timid or second-guess themselves. Some people are convinced that they’re shy and aren’t good at meeting new people. These latter folks, because they don’t ooze self-confidence, think they cannot ever mix with a new group. In fact, their self-doubt ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. They think they’re awkward, which is precisely what makes them act awkward.
In my experience, what we think about ourselves in this regard isn’t true. It’s all a matter of attitude. Before I enter the room, I decide that I’m going to have a good time and take an interest in the people I meet. Because I’m not a natural at it, this requires energy, but the effort is absolutely worth it. I choose to be curious and interested. I believe that people are going to like me. I refuse to identify as shy. The result? I almost always have a great time.
3A little preparation goes a long way
I often prepare with a few things that might be interesting to talk about and also have a few questions that might spark interesting conversations. It’s not much -- just a few thoughts that might be engaging. The more important preparation isn’t a list of pre-prepared questions so much as being ready to sieze opportunities during the evening itself. How can I be warm and encouraging? Is there a topic of conversation that seems to really engage the other person? Am I looking to connect with other people or am I being self-involved?
Typically, the people who we identify as likable aren’t the talkers and extroverts so much as it’s those who convey warmth and welcome. I’ve found that, if I’m welcoming and open first, people always respond positively.
I know that sometimes it can seem like too much work to meet new people. It takes a lot of energy to mingle and engage in conversation when we’re not in our comfort zone. I’m sure it’s easier to not meet anyone new, and it’s certainly easier to just stay home. But how much would we miss if we did that? I’ve met so many amazing people all through my life and I’m incredibly grateful for the chance to have done so. Human connection is one of the great joys of life, it would be a shame to give up on it.
So, at the next coffee hour after Mass, take a risk and make the effort to meet someone. Perhaps they’re new to the parish and feeling awkward, and maybe your warm welcome will not only make them feel happy to be there but you’ll make a new, lifelong friend.
