Do I really want my feelings and behavior dictated to me by other people? And doesn’t Our Lord say something about loving even our enemies?
Unless you’ve become a hermit, you probably interact with all sorts of people during the course of a day. Some of those people are rude. There’s the driver who tailgates the car in front of them and refuses to yield for a merge, the person with main-character-syndrome who walks directly down the middle of the bike path and doesn’t move to make way for oncoming cyclists, the snippy barista at the coffee shop, the co-worker who always has something critical to say, the friend who rolls his eyes constantly, the family member who lectures everyone at every family gathering … the list goes on and on. We’re surrounded by rudeness.
In fact, we ourselves are often the main perpetrators. Most of the day (I hope), I’m polite. But every once in a while I know I’ve very much been rude. This makes me part of the problem. How often have I reproached myself for how I’ve behaved at a party, for being too critical with my children, for being so dismissive of the concerns of others. I cannot help but think that my own rudeness often creates the conditions whereby others are rude in turn. I’m like a man who voluntarily constructs his own prison cell.
Triggers
No one is perfect. We all have our moments. When I think about what triggers me to behave badly, I cannot help but identify self-doubt as the cause. When I’m not entirely sure of my standing, I cover it up by being overly aggressive. I want to project strength but really only manage to display my own insecurity. To make it worse, I often transfer my rude behavior to those who don’t deserve it. For instance, I may be anxious about a mistake I made at work and carry that anxiety home where I am rude to my toddler. Essentially, I try to exert control and dominance in a situation where I’m with someone who I think is weaker than me. I cannot be rude to my boss, so instead I’m rude to my daughter. It’s a terrible way to behave.
This is also why, I think, we have a tendency to react so strongly when someone is rude to us. We intuit that, if they’re comfortable slighting us, it means they think they can get away with it. They think we’re weaker than them. They think they can get away with being rude because they have more power in the relationship. There’s nothing more frustrating than being dismissed so casually and it isn’t surprising that we dwell on these negative interactions even if they only make up a small fraction of the day. Rude people, as they say, live “rent free” in our heads because they trigger a primal need within us to be respected and treated fairly.
If it’s true that rudeness arises from power dynamics, whether perceived or real, this insight allows us to consider how we might best respond when we become the target.
How to respond
First, it’s clear that rudeness isn’t always personal. People may not even realize they’re being rude. Maybe they had a rough day and are distracted. Maybe they’re anxious and uncertain so they’re projecting and transferring unregulated emotions. They are trying to regain their sense of power and control, meaning their actions are far more about themselves than the person to whom they’re being rude. The ironic thing is that, whenever I encounter a rude person and I know I’m not the one who triggered them, I immediately wonder what hidden weakness they’re trying to protect.
Second, saving face isn’t the most important thing. Even if rudeness isn’t always personal, it’s still an unconscious assertion of power by the perpetrator. This underlying assumption is definitely personal. When this happens to me, my first instinct is to defend myself and prove that no one can take advantage of me. I snap back and try to bring the rude person down a notch or two. I want to make clear that we’re on an equal level. Absorbing rude behavior directed towards me, I tell myself, is an embarrassing sign of weakness.
I don’t want to tolerate even the smallest slight, but power dynamics aren’t what we think they are. Those who are self-confident and secure don’t have to be rude. Quite the opposite. People who are confident behave with gentleness, consideration, and tact. They don’t try to embarrass others and score points on them. They are quietly merciful and slow to argue. They show restraint and humility. This is true strength. My goal is to follow the principle that John Henry Newman outlines in his book The Idea of a University. The goal is to never inflict pain, he writes, and we ought to avoid embarrassing others. Instead, make everyone feel at ease and comfortable – even those who are rude. This is how we return kindness for rudeness and still maintain confidence.
Finally, remember that we are in control of our reactions. If we follow Newman’s advice, we must maintain self-control. I often hear people declare that they “return the same energy” to those they interact with, by which I think they mean that if someone is nice then they’ll be nice but if someone is rude, they’ll be rude in return. It sounds like a reasonable approach but doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. Do I really want my feelings and behavior dictated to me by other people? And doesn’t Our Lord say something about loving even our enemies?
Actors, not reactors
We cannot be so reactive. No, we are the actors. We are the ones deciding how to act and what we will say. This is true power. I strive everyday to be unfailingly kind, polite, and patient. This is my goal regardless of whether the people I interact with are kind, polite, and patient or if they’re self-centered and rude. This is my goal and, even if I’ve failed it every day this month, one day I’ll get it right. I start small. I ignore minor incidents. I pause for a moment to control my emotions before responding. I practice patience and am grateful when others are patient with me. If I need to interact with someone who has been rude in the past, I prepare ahead of time and remind myself how it is that I want to comport myself.
Newman has a prayer for this that I find inspiring. It reads, in part: “I have my mission. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work.” I think this is a great prayer each day to remind ourselves that we must be the kind of change that we wish to see in the world. Each day is an opportunity to not descend into rudeness but, rather, to strive for grace, forgiveness, and unfailing kindness.
