5 People worth checking in on this September

It's harder when nothing appears to be wrong. After all, someone can still turn up for work, make everybody laugh, complain about the Wi-Fi, and generally get on with life while carrying something that the people around them know nothing about.

And that is worth remembering this September, during National Suicide Prevention Month. People don't always look the way we imagine struggling people should look, so this is a good moment to pay attention not only to those whose difficulties are obvious, but also to those we might not ordinarily think to check on.

Suicide is complex, and no particular personality, circumstance, or behavior tells us that somebody is suicidal. But as we've recently reported, we do know that connection matters. The CDC identifies support from family and friends and feeling connected to others among the factors that can help protect against suicide risk.

So this isn't a list of five people we should suddenly start worrying about. It's simply five people it might be worth noticing a little more closely this month. And you may recognize somebody you know.

A divorce, bereavement, job loss, retirement, frightening diagnosis, or even children leaving home can divide life rather brutally into a “before” and “after.”

In the immediate aftermath, people often rally around. There are flowers, shared tears, messages and offers of help. But weeks and months later, everybody else understandably returns to normal while the person whose life changed is still learning how to live in its new shape.

The CDC includes relationship loss, job or financial problems and serious illness among factors that can contribute to suicide risk. That doesn't mean somebody experiencing one of them is suicidal; most people facing such difficulties are not. It simply means that this might be a particularly good time not to disappear, or assume that life is getting back to normal for this person.

Every family and friendship group seems to have one: the reliable person. They organize things, remember things and are usually the first person everybody calls when life goes spectacularly wrong. The problem with being designated “the strong one” is that people can forget to ask whether you're tired of being strong.

You don't need to approach them with a worried expression and announce that you've come to discuss their emotional wellbeing. Invite them for lunch. Send the ridiculous meme. Ask how they are coping for once, and then give them enough time to answer properly.

Not every friendship needs constant contact. Some of the best can survive six months of silence followed by a three-hour conversation as though nobody ever left.

But sometimes a person's absence feels different. They stop coming to things they normally enjoy, messages become less frequent, or you suddenly realize you haven't heard their voice in a very long time.

Withdrawal and isolation can be warning signs when they're new or represent a significant change in someone's behavior, while social connection itself can be protective. So if somebody has quietly slipped from view, don't assume they want to be left there. A simple “I've been thinking about you. Shall we grab a coffee?” can reopen a door without demanding an explanation.

This isn't because funny people are secretly miserable, an idea we should be careful not to romanticize. Sometimes the funniest person in the room is genuinely having an excellent time.

But humor can also make it particularly easy for the rest of us to miss when someone is struggling. If a friend habitually turns every difficult subject into a joke, we can laugh along without ever circling back to what was underneath it.

So enjoy the joke, obviously. Life would be unbearable without the people who make us laugh at precisely the wrong moment. But every now and then, it doesn't hurt to follow it with, “Seriously though, how are you doing?”

Maybe there isn't an obvious reason. Their name simply appeared in your mind, and that is probably reason enough to send the message.

It doesn't need to say anything profound. “I was thinking about you.” “How are things really?” “Haven't seen you in ages — dinner?” Even sending somebody a photo that will make them laugh tells them, in its own tiny way, you crossed my mind today.

And occasionally, the casual message or coffee may open a conversation you weren't expecting. Someone might admit that things are much harder than they have let on, or say something that leaves you genuinely worried about them. If that happens, don't feel you need to produce exactly the right words or somehow solve everything sitting across the table from them. Stay with the conversation, listen, and help them find the support they need.

If you are worried that they may be thinking about suicide, it is also OK to ask them directly. It can feel like an enormous question to say out loud, but research cited by the National Institute of Mental Health shows that asking someone if they are thinking about suicide does not increase suicidal thoughts or behavior. Sometimes caring about somebody means being brave enough to ask the question we'd much rather not have to ask.

Most of the messages we send after reading this article will probably lead to nothing more dramatic than a coffee, a long phone call, or an exchange of particularly stupid GIFs. And somehow that seems a very good reason to send them anyway.