From The Onion:
Pushing himself to the physical brink in the bitter cold wilderness high in the Alps, Pope Francis reportedly began training Friday for this year’s upcoming Easter Mass by dragging a wooden pew loaded with rocks across the snow. “No stopping now; the weak never finish,” said the sweat-drenched bishop of Rome, pausing briefly to splash his face with holy water before continuing the workout by trudging through waist-high snow while shouldering a heavy wooden crucifix. “Come on— focus, Jorge. You gotta keep fighting. You can withstand the pain and fatigue. Your body, mind, and soul are getting stronger. Just a few more days until the Resurrection…”
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