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10 Things I Had Mercifully Forgotten About the Third Trimester of Pregnancy

Simcha Fisher - published on 02/06/15

Figure_of_pregnant_woman,_Cameroon_-_Staatliches_Museum_für_Völkerkunde_München_-_DSC08442

1. You may know where the baby is going to come out, but your joints aren’t sure. So they alllllll relax, all over your body, just in case you need to prepare for, for instance, a mandibular delivery. On the up side, the spectacle of you trying to get out of a car with your useless, floppy puppet legs is hilarious, and will win you many admirers. Among jerks.

2. Doesn’t matter if it’s a penny, a pork chop, or the last existing original copy of the Declaration of Independence wrapped around the Koh-i-Noor diamond: if you drop it on the floor, it’s dead to you.

3. People can chatter all they like about “miracle drugs” that “cure cancer” or “save lives” or other trivial nonsense like that. You know what’s a miracle drug? Zantac. One dose, and your pantry shelves are suddenly full of food again, rather than leering, taunting lava grenades waiting to detonate in your esophagus.

4. Drool. So. Much. Drool. Don’t wait for baby; break out those rubberized sheets now.

5. Your body gets so excited about growing a brand new baby that it gets really ambitious, and starts growing all kinds of other things, too: skin tags; thick, glossy sideburns; a glowering, boundless resentment toward humanity in general.

6. Right this second, check if you can reach your toenails without blacking out. If you can, then trust me on this: trim them now.

7. I’ve never read any non-fiction by Chesterton. There. Whew. That doesn’t belong in this list, but it’s been weighing on me, and what if I die in childbirth and I never get a chance to confess it?

8. Turning over in bed becomes a 46-step process. The only benefit to this is that it gives the drool puddle on your pillow sufficient time to dry before you lay your cheek in it again. Also, your husband will enjoy the soothing sensation of having the mattress tossed around like a liferaft trying to get some distance from the Titanic.

9. Hey, remember round ligaments? REMEMBER THEM, YOU POOR SUFFERING SPECIMEN OF HUMANITY WHOSE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE OF LIFE HAS BECOME SEARING AGONY THAT GETS WORSE WHEN YOU DO EXTRAVAGANT THINGS LIKE BREATHING OR TURNING YOUR HEAD A TINY BIT? Yeah, me too.

10. Of course it’s all worth it blah blah blah miracle of life and so on. Where the drugs at?

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