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Friday 17 September |
Saint of the Day: St. Hildegard of Bingen

Things You Don’t Want Steam In: A Short List

Simcha Fisher - published on 01/13/15

L0006579 Engraving: 'Monster Soup..." by William Heath

image via Creative Commons

Things you want steam in:

  • Your nasal passages, to clear congestion
  • Your bedroom, to add moisture to the air in the winter
  • Your bathroom, to get wrinkles out of that delicate silk dress
  • Your kitchen, to diffuse pleasant, cozy smells of a homecooked meal

Things you don’t want steam in:

  • Your vagina. For any reason.

Yes, there are people who don’t intuitively grasp this. People who don’t realize that “forgotten ancient wisdom” is often forgotten for a reason. People who seriously countenance the idea that crouching over a hot pot of wet oregano is is somehow going to have a healing effect on your ovaries, which, last I checked, are kind of up in there, you know?

But it’s ancient! It’s wisdom! It’s alternative medicine, and is not intended to provide medical advice, so what could possibly go wrong? Assuming you manage to avoid the inevitable, horrible, hard-to-explain-at-the-ER-scalding, I can just imagine the scene. Husband comes home, hangs up his hat, pets the dog, and looks around for his wife. Takes a deep, appreciative sniff coming from the recesses of the house and calls out, “Honey, whatever you’re cooking, it smells great!” And she says  . . .

Well, you tell me what she says.

Although, giving the article a second read, they may be on to something. You’re supposed to spend at least a good hour sitting down undisturbed, wrapped up in a warm blanket, and you’re then supposed to go right to bed and nobody is allowed to bother you, because you are anciently healing yourself. Alone. Without getting up. And it’s recommended that you do this three times in the week before your period!

You know, I also have some ancient wisdom. Vaginal steaming has been shown to be most effective when you bring a bottle of Tanqueray with you, and the bedroom door locks. Don’t argue with me! Tanqueray is herbal as all get out. I got yet ancient wisdom right here.

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