It reads harsh to write that there was a time in my life I had concluded I wasn’t enough. Truth is my actions reflected by belief. My life, my goals, my time, my attention, never felt enough.
I was constantly striving to be more: more fit, more successful, more productive, more organized, more balanced. I would scour whatever was that more’s best-selling book, follow its trending influencers, and buy into whatever its latest fad was selling. I was convinced when I had achieved whatever was that moment’s more, I would settle into a place of perpetual peace. The excitement with which I initially approached the latest more always dampened when the peace I sought easily waned. My heart’s state was exhausted and defeated and my reaction - it was harsh.
Each dampening was labeled fail and came with my own litany of decrees for why I had fallen short. It was somehow my fault that my self-found peace could not be sustained.
That is, until my little one died, and I realized that peace would come when that which I held sacred was redefined and stillness was given the space to assume its rightful place in my priorities.
It would be tempting to gather those years of striving in a shroud called achievement, focus, or drive. It reads far more intentional and productive. As appealing as it is, my heart bristles at the thought. Much in the way a body once burnt will flinch against a flame, my heart winces at the danger justification brings.
To relabel and redefine that time, to accept that an unsettled heart is the way of the world, would be to accept defeat. Reframing and justifying a quest that did not lead to true discovery would deny the One to which each journey has the potential to lead. The reality is, hidden in my desperate attempts for peace was a longing for the Divine. My beaten heart was aching for His tender balm.
And maybe that is the point. Somehow the journey will always lead to His ways, His purpose, His plans. My quest for earthly achievement was the realization of the One who would provide enough because by His mere claiming, I am more than enough.
Perhaps in my attempts to fill the space of not enough was where I realized it is a space that cannot be filled by my gain but by His grace.
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This is part of the series called “The Human Being Fully Alive” found here.
