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"You're always on your phone!” This is an increasingly recurrent complaint among couples, and it reflects how deeply we feel it when it seems like the one we love is ignoring us or is indifferent to us when we’re together. This is called "phubbing": ignoring and snubbing those around us to concentrate on our phone.
The arguments for using smartphones are understandable: the need to decompress after a day's work, the urgent need to reply to a professional email, the need to organize chaperones for the next school outing ... The risk, however, is that our phone may damage our relationship.
Looking at phone use
When we use our phone all the time, even when we’re with other people, it can create frustration, anger, or hurt feelings. It can also be an escape from our relationship, revealing the existence of underlying problems.
The first step is to identify the reasons for giving attention to our phone at the expense of our spouse. Is it a real emergency? Is there something we don’t want to talk about with them? Do we think we’ll relax more with our phone than with our spouse?
According to a survey, 37% of married Americans report “their spouse is often on the phone or some kind of screen when they would prefer to talk or do something together as a couple.” Many couples lament the damage caused by the omnipresence of the telephone, but very few establish rules to limit it.
A similar French study mentions a few common-sense rules: the "at the table" rule (never use your smartphone while at the table), the "trust" rule (don't look at each other's phones), the "movie" rule (never use your phone while watching a movie), the "private life" rule (don't answer business calls at weekends or in the evening), and the "bedroom" rule (leave your phone outside the bedroom at night). But couples are clearly not convinced by these rules, finding them too demanding.
"Tonight, it's airplane mode"
When it’s too hard to resist temptation, it's better to go into airplane mode. That's the surprising finding of the latter study. Young people prefer the more radical solution of complete disconnection rather than limitation, the authors of the survey say. So why not simply designate certain times as "airplane mode" periods? No notifications, no calls, no temptations. This seems to be the most effective solution for preserving quality time together as a couple.
All that is left is to define a framework on which both spouses agree. Do you want to set your phones on literal or figurative airplane mode on the weekends, in the evening after a certain time, at the dinner table...?
Defining the framework in this way lets us remind our loved one that "tonight, it's airplane mode time." Anticipating and giving advance warning avoids disappointment and frustration, and also enables us to plan accordingly. That email that needs to be sent or those sports videos you want to watch will wait until the end of the digital truce. And it's undoubtedly during this phone-free interlude that the most beautiful conversations will take place!
