Like most fathers, I’m fond of making corny jokes to my teenagers about how, the instant they turn 18, they’re moving out (the one who’s currently refusing to get a drivers license has been promised I’ll call an Uber for her). They groan at my stale humor that we all know quite well isn’t funny, all the while knowing that their mother and I are happy if they choose to stay a while.
Our oldest is only 17, so this is all still theoretical. She’s currently pondering her options and seems to be open to whatever path life takes her down. Who knows, maybe all my kids will go to out-of-state colleges and build lives somewhere else entirely and the question of living at home will never come up. Or maybe they’ll be like the Prodigal Son, thinking they’re well clear of me and my annoying dad jokes only to return home a few years later to hang out and raid the fridge. Maybe I’ll have a child or two like the Prodigal Son’s older brother, who sticks around closer to home and assists his dear old dad (hopefully with a little less complaining).
Selfishly, I’d love it if they all stayed home for quite a while longer. I think they’re fun to hang out with. At some point, though, life must move on and every child must develop some level of independence and happiness. They have to strike out on their own heroic journeys. It wouldn’t be helpful to remain childish forever. Every season has a time and place, a time to be at home and a time to take a risk and venture into the unknown.
My only wish is for all the kids to find their place in this world, in their own time, and build happy homes of their own. My only point in assuring them that they can take their time in leaving mine is that the family home is always here for them if they need it.
An unfair stigma
I get the sense that in other cultures multi-generational households are far more common. In America there seems to be a stigma attached to adult children living with their parents. Jokes might be made about young adults playing Dungeons & Dragons in mom’s basement, having arrested development, or experiencing a failure to launch. The implication is that, if you live at home in your 20s, you’ve somehow failed.
Because of this, there’s a lot of pressure to be prompt about leaving home. I do agree that, for some people transitioning into adulthood, it’s a good idea to get some space from mom and dad so as to stretch their wings and learn to fly. What I’m not sure of, however, is that there’s a one-size-fits-all schedule that must be followed, or that every 18-year-old needs to be moved out with no further discussion of why or what the benefits might be.
I can’t help but think of Our Lord’s description of Heaven; “In my Father’s house there are many rooms.” That sounds a lot like a multi-generational home. If independence is important, it shouldn’t come at the cost of familial love. My sense is that some young adults need a little push to get them into the next phase of life and maybe that push is some tough love about continuing to live at home. Others, though, would benefit greatly from an invitation to remain in the family home as they’re continuing to build their life. This is why parenting is so challenging – answers will vary.
Important to set guidelines
Our only real guideline for the kids if they’re going to stay with us for longer is that they’re actively making progress. We don’t want them living rent-free in our house and eating our food just because it’s comfortable or because they don’t want to take the next step. I’ve told the kids that they are more than welcome to live with us if they’re taking college classes in town, working out a vocation either to marriage or religious life, actively saving money to buy a home of their own when the time is right, or intentionally expanding their horizons as they sort out their purpose in life, but it’s a loose definition. If there’s a deadline, it isn’t time related. It’s goal related.
I should mention that the benefits of a functioning, multi-generational home are for the whole family, not just the kids. For instance, my wife’s parents live in a carriage house on the same property with us, and they’re incredibly helpful in maintaining the property and generous with the time they give to their grandchildren. My wife loves having her parents around and I know they appreciate the chance to be around the grandkids.
I do know that our children will eventually all leave home. They need to if they’re going to build homes of their own. But if the dream of any marriage is to bring kids into the world, expand the love of the spouses, and build a home, why such a rush to dismantle it? Enjoy every moment.
