A post-holiday letter to parents of neurodivergent kids

Dear Parents,

If you have a child who is neurodivergent, at this time of year especially, you might be feeling ready to collapse in a heap. Although this may not be of practical help, I hope that my own experience might help you feel understood and know that you're not alone.

My own son is 16 years old. He's 6'3" and looks like a grown man, yet he is far from it. He's an ardent soccer fan and Pokemon card collector. He's been diagnosed with autism and, along with his little idiosyncrasies, he suffers from hyper anxiety.

His only "friends" are online -- to him anyone who says "hello" is a friend. Although we've tried, he refuses categorically to join any groups with like-minded children.

He therefore adores me with a sometimes-stifling love, but on the flip side, oh how sweet it is to be loved so entirely. And yet his complete need for me sometimes makes me want to cry, especially when summer comes to an end.

Although the long months (nearly three of them) should be a moment of rest, they really drag on -- as they can for parents everywhere! While it's tricky to keep him suitably entertained, it's a time of year where his differences are really highlighted. His complete dependence on me only shows how lacking he is in friends. When this is juxtaposed with the busy lives of his three older siblings, it is truly heartbreaking.

His brothers and sister do their best to include him, but they want -- and need -- to go off with their friends. The onus is therefore on me to be constantly there for him. So any semblance of a social life for me is impossible. And just to add to the pressure, not only does he need my presence, I need to ensure that I'm always at my very best as he copies every single thing I do.

The upshot of it all is I come out of summer an emotional wreck and physically exhausted, wondering what the future will be like for him, especially on the social scale.

And then, roll on school time. This opens up a whole new can of worms. There are the new classmates to meet -- and that is a process that needs the navigation skills of Christopher Columbus!

Then there's the various meetings and endless messages to all the teachers and support staff so they can help him settle in and understand his needs properly. (They do an incredible job and I am eternally thankful for this.) But it does get tiring reiterating everything that is "wrong" with him.

Again, this has to be done carefully, and it shows, once more, how he doesn't fit the mold. And it is so mentally draining to make him his very own bespoke version that will allow him to be the best person he can be.

Of course, there are parents who have it so much harder than I do, and I'm so grateful for the unconditional love of my son, and the overwhelming love I feel for him. But raising a child who doesn't fit the social norms can be particularly tiring at certain times of the year when you realize just how relentless it all is.

I suppose that in the end the hardest thing to contend with is watching how this child whom you love with your whole heart and body is suffering, and sometimes all you can do is hold their hand, albeit very tightly.

With blessings and prayers,

Josephine