4 Simple principles for how to give a eulogy

Eulogies can be a tricky art form to get right. Some priests are hesitant to allow them during a funeral Mass because they’ve witnessed enough eulogists break down in tears, talk way too long, or tell inappropriate stories from the pulpit. If they're too long or unfocused, they can distract from the prayerfulness of a funeral Mass. (That is why some dioceses officially disallow them. Many parishes have similar policies.) I’ve witnessed my share of this at funerals, so I understand the hesitation.

Eulogies are hard to give. Public speaking is already difficult, but add in the stress of the circumstances, the grief present in the heart of the speaker, and it becomes a daunting task. I’ve given homilies at the funerals of both my grandfathers and had a difficult time holding myself together, so I certainly don’t blame people who struggle through a eulogy.

It can be uncomfortable and embarrassing to break down in tears before an audience, so if people are nervous, I make sure they know there doesn’t absolutely need to be a eulogy at the funeral. For Catholics, the funeral Mass is less about celebrating the life of the deceased and far more about praying for their eternal repose. Eulogies and stories don't need to be shared at the funeral Mass itself and can always be shared at greater length at a gathering after the Mass. This allows for everyone to tell stories, reminisce, look at pictures, and generally celebrate a life well-lived in a more informal, familial atmosphere.

That said, I will allow a eulogy if the family wants one (Cardinal Dolan does a good job explaining why the best place for the eulogy is right before Mass and not in the middle), because a well-delivered eulogy has a marvelously focusing effect on the deceased person for whom we’re praying. Being reminded of how much that person is loved motivates our prayer. The eulogy, with its memories and emotions, keeps that person alive in our hearts in the same way we believe that person is still alive with Christ. Even when a eulogy ends in tears, it’s a sign of the fragility of the time we have together.

The times that I regret allowing eulogies aren’t when tears are shed or the person ends up not being a polished public speaker -- those are both eminently forgivable – but when the eulogist doesn’t actually give a eulogy. Instead, they talk about the favorite sports team of the deceased, tell a few funny stories, and maybe even claim the deceased is already in Heaven. These might be great stories to share later, but not every story, fact, or theological musing is appropriate for the eulogy. The last one, in fact, is downright harmful, because if everyone thinks the deceased is already in Heaven, they won’t pray for him on his journey through Purgatory.

So, what should a eulogy be? Here’s what I always tell people.

Don’t just get behind the microphone and start talking. Think ahead and carefully consider what you want to share. For instance, with my grandfather, I wanted to say how meaningful his quiet faithfulness was, how he was married for over 63 years, a good father, and a loving grandfather. I wanted everyone to know that his faithfulness extended to his spiritual life, and he attended Mass every single Sunday.

Another thing I wanted to note is that he had a particular way of setting people at ease when they were around him and he had a hospitable personality that never drew undue attention to its generosity. I wrote it all down, word-for-word, and said exactly what needed to be said. The pre-planning helped keep me from breaking down into tears or wandering off into a series of random stories.

Ultimately, what I wanted to share about my grandfather wasn’t what sports teams he liked or too many amusing stories with no purpose. I wanted everyone listening to know why his life was so admirable and why I loved him. I wanted them to know how he shared his love with us. His virtues were the ways he worked out his salvation. His kindness and faithfulness were his own personal imitation of Christ. This is what I wanted everyone focused on as we prayed for him.

Even more, I shared my grandfather’s virtues as an encouragement for all of us to practice those same virtues. So often in life we tire of doing good. A virtue like quiet faithfulness can be taken for granted, so we lose sight of how precious it is. I always say during a funeral homily that, if we love this person and are grieving, it should be our motivation to take up their particular virtues and live our lives in such a way that we might be reunited with them in Heaven someday.

In the end, it’s important to remind everyone of why those personal virtues really matter. They bring us closer to Christ. But in order to do that, they must be united to the Cross. This means that, no matter how good a person was, what really matters is that they practiced their faith. It is Christ who brings eternal life and, if our grief will one day be turned into joy, it’s only because of Jesus. This is the most important thing we can say about anyone, that they loved Jesus. Be sure to say that. You’d be surprised how many people benefit from hearing it.

Although I’ve heard some eulogies in my time, I think could’ve been quite a bit better, I’ve also heard some that were really amazing. For the most part, the ones that made an impact all followed the basic outline we just went through. They were organized and stayed focused on what was truly important. I can’t think of a better way to honor a loved one.