Off the top of my etiquette head

If there were any justice in the world, I’d be pulling down a massive salary as an etiquette expert. Check out this guy, who thinks he’s so smart.

Big deal! I know lots of things about what should and shouldn’t be, and I will tell them to you! With pictures, even. Here’s just a few off the top of my etiquette head:

1. Nobody likes to see an attractive rug unravel. It’s unsightly and a safety hazard. There is an effective response to this problem: stop buying cheapass rugs that smell like formaldehyde. The solution is not, as you may think, to slap some duct tape on it.

2. Kindness to animals will always have a place in gracious society; but many members of haute monde will frown on taking a buddy-system approach to lollipops and the hellbeast family pet.

3. It’s considered tasteful to allow oneself a small display of souvenirs collected during one’s travels, as long as they are of the best quality, in good condition, and arranged in a visually coherent way. So, not like this:

4. It’s acceptable to incorporate words into your décor, as long as they convey uplifting sentiments. “Joy” is popular; “FAMILY” is widely used. It is not, however, considered de rigueur to write “DOOM ON YOU” in the mildew on the bathroom ceiling.

5. Stop saying, “But I just cleaned it! I don’t understand how it got this way so quickly, when I just cleaned it!” You didn’t, and you know it.

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I hope that these tips are helpful to you as you go about, birdlike, building the cozy nest of your home in a manner that is as pleasing to the eye as it is something something something.

What? I just wrote a post! I don’t know how it got this way so quickly!