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Is it Eastertide? Is it the springtime? Or is it the Zoloft finally kicking in? Either way, I’m having a terrible time buckling down and worrying about serious things, and look at the time! Let’s play a little game.
The rules are simple: Remove one letter from a famous movie title, and briefly describe the new plot. Here are a few of my favorites from last time:
Ear Window A Being John Malkovich-esque metathriller in which Alfred Hitchcock witnesses a murder after crawling inside Grace Kelly’s head through her ear He Godfather Tarzan must decide whether to resist his destiny as a mafia overlord Even Samurai . . . get the blues Star Was A melancholy rumination by Mark Hamill on the fleetness of fame Full Meta Jacket A tightly knit band of overeducated hipsters wear jackets printed with pictures of other jackets Chintown A buddy action movie starring Jay Leno and Bruce Campbell All Abut Eve Are women individuals, in command our destinies? Are we truly free of the ancient past? Or when it comes down to it, don’t we . . . all abut Eve?
STUPID, RIGHT? Dangerously stupid.
Okay, here are my new contributions:
Dadpool: We’re so, so tired of antiheros. Time for the greatest regular old hero of all: Dad. Get that man some sun block!
Fifty Shades of Ray: In no particular order, because I already got yelled at enough this week: Ray Charles, Ray Romano, Ray Liotta, and Ray Krok. That’s four. Thirty-six to go…
God’s Not Dad: In this inspiring Christian drama, a courageous young cult member finds the guts to speak truth to power and calls out his father as not, in fact, being the reincarnation of Zeus. More edification than you can shake a shtick at.
Aging Bull: Ferdinand: The Latter Years. What happens when all the pretty ladies no throw no flowers no more?
EST Side Story: In this gritty daylight savings time-inspired reimagining of a classic, two star-crossed lovers come very close to dying tragically for love, but forget to reset their clocks to Eastern Standard Time, and miss the rumble altogether. Oogly-oo!
It’s a Wonderful Lie: Everyone would have been way better off if George Bailey had never been born, but his kind neighbors conspire to delude him into thinking he’s well-loved and productive.
Be-Hur: The Caitlyn Jenner story. Gladiator booooots, OMG!
Finding Emo: Is that an ocean, or are you just crying a million million billion billion tears?
To Ill A Mockingbird: You gotta fight . . . for your right . . . to nest in corncribs.
Good Ill Hunting: He’s the illest mathematician from here to Gardena!
The Best Ears of Our Lives: In this chatty, semifictionalized biopic sponsored by Q-Tip, Leonard Nimoy and Vincent Van Gogh wax nostalgic. HA.
Aws: When a gigantic great white shark begins to menace the small island community of Amity, a police chief, a marine scientist and a grizzled fisherman set out to conquer it . . .with an adorable army of feisty shih tzus! Aww.
The Eer Hunter: At this point, my daughter shouted, “They can’t all be about ears, Mama!” Fine.
All Quit on the Western Front: They were sick and tired of Judy’s nonsense, that’s why.
You can’t possibly do worse than that. Whatcha got?