In August, parents and caregivers dropped off eager college students amid many tears, Ikea boxes, and reminders to call home. Many of us had recommendations for our children, admonishing them on key points of religious practice, social norms, and basic hygiene. Our children hugged us, rolled their eyes, and (some sooner, some later) said they were fine.
For some parents it’s the first time a kid has left the nest, while others are now facing an empty nest themselves. Whatever the case may be, college is a strange situation, since it’s the first time most your children stop living at home.
A second (and often messy) birth
College is a little like giving birth for a second time. The first time, they left mom’s body. Now, they’ve left their family and home. They’re managing their own lives and schedules for the first time, and they have very little accountability. They are in a brand-new social environment, often sharing a room for the first time, and studying material that is more complex and challenging, with teachers who aren’t always as easy to meet with as their K-12 instructors.
Let’s recognize the situation for what it is: If they are managing college okay, that is a huge triumph. We knew our infants would be messy when they came home from the hospital, and our college kids may be, too. One of the best things we can do is accept that and normalize it for them.
Here are a few suggestions for helping our college students (and ourselves) deal with some of their challenges.
Check in
It’s a good idea to have a regular check-in plan with your kids. It can be hard to determine the best time or day before they have their schedule, but once they do, you can coordinate with them to have a standard time to talk.
Once a week is probably ideal -- it’s regular, but not so frequent that it becomes suffocating or hard to manage. Some kids and parents talk daily. That’s great if that works for you, but just keep in mind that daily conversations may worry you a little more since you’ll catch all the ups and downs of life. If a kid resists that weekly check-in, I recommend pushing back.
It doesn’t have to be a long call, but it’s a reasonable expectation to hear their voice and know how things are going.
When you talk to you kids, keep in mind that bad news isn’t always so bad -- and no news isn’t always good news. Some kids gush all their emotions to you and then feel great afterwards. Others don’t call home because they’re naturally very independent and thriving, while some kids may just not be telling you what’s really going on.
Address the basics
Addressing the basics (food, sleep habits, expenses), and helping our college students navigate those can keep emotional kids from focusing just on their feelings and also provides an entry point for coaxing information out of kids who seem to have nothing to say. This can be especially helpful when a college student tells you about their intense frustration at being the only one without a major or an active social life, etc. When I ask them if they are really the only person they know without a major or who doesn’t have a boyfriend, I get pushback.
But if I ask questions about friends and situations in a gentler, calmer, more quantifiable way, sometimes they start to see the light on their own.
Remember we’re never alone
There is nothing that can substitute for presence: that’s a part of the challenge. It can be tempting to tell a child to just come home when they're having a hard time. Sometimes that makes sense (if your kid is attending a local college), but it’s best to start by supporting our students where they are.
We need to remember – and to remind our kids – that we are never alone. The Lord is always with us. But He is also with us in a concrete way, through the people He gives us to walk with us through the ups and downs of life. Perhaps you are fortunate enough to have family or friends in the area who can check in with your students from time to time and maybe invite them over for a homecooked meal.
It’s also a good idea to familiarize yourself with the support services on your kid’s campus. Encourage your student to talk to their college advisors, drop in a mental health center if needed, or speak with a career counselor or campus minister.
However, following up on those fronts isn’t up to us. Accepting the radical freedom of our children can be tough on parents, but it is also a necessary part of the path to adulthood.
