Supportive advice for fathers of NICU babies

Becoming a father necessitates a huge emotional, physical, and spiritual change in a man's life. It's an exciting moment that will lead them on an unknown path full of chaos, extra responsibility, new skills, but above all, love.

Bearing all this in mind, it's hard to imagine how hard it must be for new dads when the delivery day doesn't go quite so smoothly. Perhaps the baby comes too early, or the baby is born with health issues that require special treatment in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).

Our Lifestyle editor, John Touhey, shared with us his own experience of being a dad to a baby in the NICU:

"Many years ago, my youngest son was placed in a neonatal intensive care unit a day after he was born. It was a scary experience to say the least. Entering the unit (after scrubbing down and donning mask, gloves, etc.), I was immediately struck by the noise of beeping monitors and all the medical equipment. The environment was very sterile, naturally. Of course, everything in the unit was designed to maximize the care of the babies who are being cared for there, but for a parent visiting for the first (or even second or third) time, who is generally going in unprepared, the experience only adds to one's sense of helplessness and anxiety. 

The nurses did their best to explain what was going on -- but of course, their focus has to rightfully be on their little patients. Most of them were preemies. I had seen images of preemies before, certainly. But up close and in person, I was shocked by how tiny some of those babies were. The extraordinary preciousness of life hit me in that moment like never before. When I saw my little son hooked up to an IV and with monitors all over, I cannot lie -- I almost lost it."

Fortunately, everything turned out well for John's newborn son. And he learned some valuable lessons as he explained:

"The 'moral' is that we all should be praying for the babies who are in these units, as many of them have very serious medical conditions. And, also, there is a real need to provide emotional support for parents who have babies in these units. My wife was especially emotionally vulnerable because our baby had to be taken from her shortly after birth. It was a pretty traumatic experience for her at the time.

"And finally, I can only marvel and be thankful for the doctors and nurses who work in these units caring for their tiny patients with expert care and great affection."

John's feelings from this unexpected experience are understandable, and most probably felt by other fathers who suddenly find themselves in a similar position. Unfortunately many dads out there don't have the necessary support or awareness of what to expect of life as a father to a newborn at risk.

An interesting article in March of Dimes raises the issue of a father's role in the NICU. (Note that the March of Dimes has faced criticism regarding life issues, but the points are useful.)

Here are some practical steps to take to try and alleviate the stress for both mom and dad:

It is crucial to make sure that you talk with your spouse. She might not be able to visit the baby herself so make sure you take photos of the baby and explain to her what is happening to your little one. You can express your own feelings and listen to hers. Be aware, they might not be the same and that is okay.

Further communication is imperative with the medical staff. However, they are there to ensure your baby is cared for and might not have the time to go into all the detail you might want. Remember, they will be doing their best, and if you need an update, try to find a time when the situation is calm.

The one thing when you're expecting a baby is that everyone you love is on tenterhooks on the day of delivery. They'll want to know all the detail and see photos. If you have a preemie or medically compromised baby, however, the last thing you'll be thinking of is sending out all the cute information. You and your wife will have to come up with a plan of what you'd like to share with loved ones.

You can feel free to explain that the situation is stressful, and that you will provide updates as and when you can, adding that you'd appreciate not being bothered for information. (You could always choose an empathetic loved one to relay any information to other family members when you want.)

While becoming a father is a very personal experience, you'll still have to manage your work responsibilities. To alleviate any stress, talk to your boss as soon as possible about the situation and hopefully they can provide you with the time you need to focus on your spouse and baby.

There are a number of ways you'll need to offer support to your wife. As mentioned before, you may need to give your wife updates on your little one. But you can also make sure that if she is intending to breastfeed that she has the necessary means to pump milk and store it in the correct manner.

It's also important to juggle a range of emotions that your wife may be feeling. Her body will be experiencing physical and hormonal changes that are already not always easy to deal with, and on top of that she'll be anxious about the baby and wanting to bond with it. Try and be patient and provide her with the love and support she needs. If you are feeling anxious and don't wish to burden your wife, you could share your thoughts with your wife or turn to a friend or relative, or family priest.

If you see your wife is struggling with her emotions or has feelings of guilt that the baby needs such treatment, be sure to reach out to medical staff for their guidance.

You could also make the experience a little less stressful by making sure you eat properly and your wife does, too. Try and go for little walks outside to get some fresh air and give your body some physical activity. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends if you need to get help for any other children at home.

Finally, you may remember a video that went viral of a father singing Hallelujah Here Below to his baby who was born at just 22 weeks. This tender moment can remind us of what a pivotal role a daddy has to play in the lives of their children at any age.