St. Gregory the Great’s advice for married couples

Gregory the Great became the Holy Father in the year 590 and remained Pope until the year of his death in 604. He came from a noble Roman family and was chosen to lead the Church at a time when the old Roman order was breaking down; the government was less effective and the Church was becoming the social glue that held the city of Rome together. The Pope was not only the spiritual leader of the Church but had also become the most influential civic leader for the city. Because of this, Gregory had his hands full with administrative tasks along with undertaking a challenging program of reform within the Church.

Gregory was willing to undertake such a daunting endeavor because he truly loved the people of God and wanted to see them happy. As part of his reform movement, he wrote a book called The Pastoral Rule in which he teaches the clergy how to better advise those who came to them with problems. In their role as moral advisors, it’s particularly helpful for priests to understand individuals who are in different stages of life. Not everyone needs the same advice. What could be helpful for one person might be harmful for another.

Gregory’s Pastoral Rule offers his clergy a “rule” for how to be sensitive to those differences. In one chapter, for instance, he distinguishes between the needs of single people and married people. He goes on to outline some basic advice for married people. This advice is still very much relevant for us married folks today.

Gregory writes, “Those who are bound in wedlock are to be admonished that, while they take thought for each other's good, they study, both of them, so to please their consorts as not to displease their Maker.”

Marriage is, first of all, a relationship in which a man and woman become one flesh for the purpose of helping each other get to Heaven. The particular path to holiness for married people is how they expand their love over the years. This is accomplished through a deepening of their faithfulness and consideration for each other and, God willing, by the birth of children with whom they can increasingly share their love. Naturally, two people marry because they want to please each other and magnify their love. This natural desire for love is a good thing, to be encouraged.

Be careful, though, warns Gregory, that the relationship includes God and doesn’t spiral off into indulging each other’s bad habits. It would be a shame if one spouse drags down the other through selfish desires. I’m sure there are many small ways in which a married couple indulge instead of strengthening each other.

In a way, this makes sense because married couples want to minimize conflict and be deferential, but how much more harmonious the relationship would be if both partners were committed to leading each other closer to God! Conversely, what a shame it would be if one spouse ended up causing the other to violate their conscience in order to keep peace in the home. Married persons can best assist each other by encouraging one another in the faith. This is how love prospers and grows.

Ideally, a marriage will “hope for the things that are of God for the fruit of its journey's end.” Conversely, the marriage will avoid devoting itself “entirely to what it is engaged in now.”

In other words, marriage is meant both for our pleasure and happiness now and also for eternal happiness. I’m not sure how couples behaved in Gregory’s day, but I know in ours it’s easy to become completely absorbed in everyday worries and activity. There are bills to be paid, children to be raised, sports practices to be scheduled, dishes to be washed, and houses to be kept tidy. I can make my way through entire days focused only on practical concerns. When my wife and I have a moment of peace, we might speak about things that need to be taken care of for the household or discuss the events of the day.

These are pleasant enough conversations, and we enjoy each other’s company, and I don’t think that Gregory is saying married couples should just forget about paying the mortgage, leave the kids stranded at soccer practice, and spend all day in church. I see it as more a matter of carefully guarding the times we do have to worship and pray together so it’s always a priority. When we do go about our daily tasks, we keep in mind that we are destined for Heaven and everything has a greater purpose, including our marriage. It simply won’t do to forget about the real reason we exist, which is to know God and love him forever.

“They should be advised that they not worry themselves so much about what they must endure from their spouse, but consider what their spouse must endure on account of them.”

This final piece of advice is a practical rule that, if we put it into practice, would make our marriages much happier. It's easy enough to blame the other person when a relationship hits a rocky patch. And it's a simple thing to point out what’s wrong with a spouse and explain how it can be corrected. But it's much harder to see the wrong in ourselves and change ourselves. Partly, this is because we have a lingering sense of unfairness – it’s not fair that I make an effort to keep the kitchen clean when she won’t, not fair that I’m exercising and getting in shape when he’s a couch potato, not fair I have to be responsible and save for our retirement when she’s a spendthrift.

Here’s what I’ve found, though: If I become a better version of myself, my wife is happier and as a result will easily and effortlessly become a better version of herself, too. Or, to describe a far more common scenario, when she’s gracious and generous with me, it makes me want to be gracious and generous with her. She doesn’t have to complain or be demanding to convince me to be better. She shows me a better way. We thrive together.

With these three simple pieces of advice, Gregory the Great shows how any marriage can be happier and, more importantly, become a source of comfort and encouragement as we make our way to the next life.