Soraya, soon to be baptized: ‘Christ enveloped me in love’

“I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.” These are the words that thousands of catechumens around the world are preparing to hear on Easter night when they are baptized. Throughout Lent, Aleteia is sharing with you the stories of some of these men and women, who are happy to become children of God. Read all of the testimonies here.

Soraya expresses herself openly and at a rapid pace, as if driven by the urgency to bear witness, to give thanks for this God whom she sought after so intently and finally found. Soraya has painful memories of her childhood in the Paris suburbs. Her parents profess the Muslim faith, which they reduce to an armada of prohibitions and strict principles.

Everything is sinful, and taboos abound. In this environment, which she describes as toxic, the young woman felt “lost,” but in search of the absolute: “I believed in a higher entity, but not in this frightening God.”

At the age of 20, she left her family with relief to move closer to Paris. Living in a hostel, she obtained a BTS (the equivalent of an associate’s degree) in sales through a work-study program. This allowed her to become more independent. However, she admits, “I led an unstable life to numb my pain. Although I aspired to find peace of mind, I went out a lot, smoking and drinking more than was reasonable.”

As a prisoner of this headlong rush, Soraya made “bad choices.” She fell in love with a man with whom she had a son, and moved to Mayenne with him. Two years later, she left him. “I needed truth,” she explains, “beauty, goodness, justice. Life couldn’t be reduced to suffering.” Angry with a vaguely conceived God, she sought him in the New Age movement, positive thinking, and fasting “which clarifies the mind.”

Who doesn’t know that God takes care of his lost sheep? Soraya sought him, and he manifested himself. “I was at the bottom of the pit,” she recalls with emotion in her voice. “I cried out in my kitchen, ‘Come to my aid!’ and immediately felt a warmth wash over me from head to toe, as if I were being cradled by infinite love. An incredible experience!”

Then she saw a rapid succession of inglorious episodes from her life, hidden deep within her. In that moment, she thought that God was pointing out the sins by which she had damaged herself, and she asked for forgiveness, sobbing. “I felt forgiven,” she explains, “but I couldn't forgive myself. Looking back, I believe that God didn't want to teach me a lesson but to make me understand that He bore all of that.”

Sure that she had encountered God, Soraya wanted to follow Him, without really knowing which path to take. Providence took care of it. A former work colleague who had become a pastor and with whom she had lost touch ten years earlier contacted her again. He had a long conversation with her and offered her a Bible. She immersed herself in it and emerged transformed: “I fell in love with Jesus, an all-consuming love.”

At the same time, she felt “clearly under attack,” including physically. Her body ached and her soul was restless. Distrustful of religious communities—she had felt enslaved in her childhood—she was reluctant to turn to a particular religion. She implored Heaven to help her—seemingly in vain. So, while continuing to pray, she harbored real resentment against God for several months.

She continued to follow tortuous paths: she fell in love again with a man who gave her a daughter in 2013. The child grew up surrounded by Catholic friends. Soraya knows their mothers but is still surprised today that they never talked to her about God.

It was through her daughter that God spoke to her again: “I want to be a Christian,” the little girl declared one day. Stunned, Soraya became angry. “But you know nothing about God!” “Yes, I do,” replied the 9-year-old. “I felt him. I saw images of Jesus and Mary that moved me.”

Stunned, the 40-something took a step back. “In my life, I’ve always felt as if seized by God. I understood that he was coming through the person closest to me to answer my cries for help.” In the process, she picked up her Bible again, asking for enlightenment.

For a while, she wavered between Pentecostal and Catholic worship. Eventually she chose the latter, “for the beauty of the liturgy and the importance given to silence.” An “open and approachable” priest from the Saint Martin Community took her under his wing and answered all her questions.

Now, the time is right for baptism! After 18 months of catechumenate, she has finally been accepted by a community in which she feels at home.

In anticipation of her baptism on April 19, Soraya says that she has found peace, has rid herself of all her addictions, and feels lighter. Even the fibromyalgia she suffered from is a thing of the past.

“My conversion filled the empty space in my heart. I no longer despair of humanity as I used to. My outlook is more peaceful. Now I understand that God was indeed there in my life, at the time when I was suffering the most.”

And she challenges other Christians. “Some are envious of my palpable experience of God. But if he went all out with me, it's because I've come a long way, from a broken childhood. Many of you grew up in loving, solid families. You’ve been bathed in grace forever. What incredible luck!”