A baby step toward a better marriage: How to stop nagging

“Hey, the trash is getting pretty full.” 

“By the way, it is trash day tomorrow.”

“Are you able to take out the trash tonight?”

“There’s a weird smell in here. Is that the trash?”

The resentment built right alongside the smells from the overfilled trash can at the beginning of our marriage. I spent much too long hoping that my husband would be bothered by the trash at the same moment I was, and that he would then immediately take it outside.

Eventually, I realized that I had a built-in expectation that taking out the trash was not a household chore I would have to do. Instead of articulating this, I just started nagging.

I distinctly remember how freeing it was when I just started taking out the trash whenever it bothered me, and poof, it was no longer a sore spot in our marriage. 

I wish I could say that the trash conundrum was the first and last time I passive aggressively nagged my husband rather than directly communicating with him about my hopes and needs. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. 

The nagging itch reappears somewhat regularly. When I feel like things in my life are spinning out of my grasp, I tend to resort to my comfort zone, which is trying to feel a sense of order and control by bossing people around. And by people, I mean my husband. He is the one I try to control and conform to my wants. 

In my mind, my extra reminders and “casual” conversations about things I want are simply me saying, “I’m overwhelmed by something and need help. Please love me by making my life easier in these specific ways.” 

Instead, what comes across to him is “What you do is never good enough. I’m never very happy with you.” 

When I find myself becoming a Nagatha Christie, as my husband playfully notices, here’s what I have to remember.

Nagging says this: 

“I’m not happy.”
“Things need to change.”
“You aren’t doing enough.”
“You aren’t good enough.” 

Nagging happens when:

This doesn’t work. We both just get increasingly frustrated with each other, and no real communication happens. He feels unappreciated, and I feel resentful. 

My “quit nagging” protocol involves two steps. 

First, I have to communicate more directly and clearly. I find I need to say more of this:

“I’m feeling overwhelmed with household responsibilities, and I need help.”

“This deadline is important to me. If you could assist me by doing x by x time I would feel supported and less anxious.” 

Second, I try to work on pointing out all the positive things I see my husband do. The more I look, the more things I find. I thank him for all the little and big efforts of the day, from the tea he made me in the morning, to the extra care he took in responding patiently to our son at the end of the day.

Dr. Ray Guarendi’s marriage advice in this book spells this out. He reminds spouses to say please and thank you for everything your spouse does. It turns out that when your spouse feels your love and appreciation through your words, communication becomes much easier — much less charged, more enjoyable, and more efficient.

Then one day, as I come back in from taking out the trash, I notice the clean dishes drying next to the sink — the sink that is working after he stayed up late fixing the leak last night.

“Thanks for fixing the sink and for doing the dishes tonight!”

“No problem, thanks for taking out the trash.”

Stop nagging, start complimenting. It’s a ticket to better communication and a happier relationship all around.