Here’s how husbands and wives can shift the focus back to what’s even more important.
1. Keep priorities straight
Even before our spouses, God is found at the center of a healthy marriage. “Everything else flows from this foundation,” Dr. Sodergren explained. “If these are our top two priorities, we should be regularly assessing how these relationships are doing. Are they growing or have they stagnated? Do I feel a close sense of connection and intimacy or are there things getting in the way that I need to address? What can I do to strengthen these relationships right now?”
2. Treasure partings and greetings
The daily routines in your marriage mean a lot. A practical way of respecting and loving your spouse is paying special attention to the start and end of the day. “When separating for the day, talk for a moment about when you will see each other again and share a deliberate hug and kiss,” Dr. Sodergren recommends. “Welcome each other in the same fashion, with some physical affection and some form of ‘good to see you’ or ‘welcome back’ exchange. Such little ‘hello’ and ‘good-bye’ rituals can have a strong psychological and even physiological effect.”
3. Examine your conscience
For Catholic couples, the power of the sacrament of confession cannot be understated. Dr. Sodergren recommended that couples participate in the sacrament together at least once a month (you can even make a date night out of it!) But it’s also important to take stock of wrongs and offenses in your married life with each other, too. “Spouses should daily make an examination of conscience that includes their behavior toward each other and regularly express sorrow to each other for times when they were in the wrong. Ruptures occur in every relationship, even ones that are overall very strong. It is our ability to repair them that makes the biggest difference in the long-run.” Practice your listening skills when your spouse is upset. Work on not going into defense mode when your spouse brings up something they’re frustrated about. “We need to be able to show some compassion in those moments and express sorrow over his/her pain,” Dr. Sodergren explained. “We need to be willing to learn from these moments and strive not to hurt one another in this fashion again.”
4. Parent as a team
Husbands and wives should have each other’s backs no matter what. Whether your family going through something challenging, or making a big decision, spouses should to strive to present a united front to their children. “Spouses need to approach parenting as a ‘we’ and an ‘us,'” Dr. Sodergren said. “Support each other and back each other up when facing difficult parenting situations. If you have differences or concerns, work these out in private, not in front of others.” When couples are united, their children receive consistent messages. Instead of wondering if mom’s answer to a question will be different than dad’s thoughts, children can feel secure in a consistent routine.
5. Start dreaming about your future together
Typically, your marriage with your spouse began before children came into your lives. The sacrament of marriage will also continue after they move out of the house. Even though it seems like the stage of potty training or middle school drama with your kids will last forever, it’ll be over before you know it. So don’t waste time — start dreaming together as a couple. “How do you want to spend those golden years?” Dr. Sodergren recommended couples ask each other big picture questions. “What will you do together? Are there trips you would like to take, or hobbies you would like to enjoy together? Are there projects or important causes that you both are passionate about that you would like to work on together?” When you and your spouse imagine and dream about the future, those conversations can help you persevere through tougher stages of parenting.
6. Seek out a Christian therapist
Marriage is not always easy, and tough times come for every couple. For couples who feel like their marriage has grown stagnant, or those who are experiencing loneliness and hurt in their marriage, Dr. Sodergren recommended seeking out a Christian marital therapist. “Referrals to local providers can often be found by contacting a diocesan family life office. In addition, to having Catholic – or at least Christian – values, I encourage couples to seek marital therapists who have some training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense and Hold Me Tight. EFT has the best outcome research associated with it of any approach to marital therapy in the field. I have found it very helpful to the couples I work with and compatible with a Catholic view of marriage. My colleagues and I at Ruah Woods Psychological Services are continuing to strive to integrate an EFT approach with our Catholic values in the work we do with hurting couples.” To find therapists in your area, visit the Catholic Psychotherapy Association for recommendations.
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