3 Practical steps that can help you say, “I forgive you”

“Oh, I’m not the kind of person who holds grudges.” If you had asked me several years ago, I would have said I was a very forgiving person, and that resentment is not something I struggle with. And then a few things coincided in my life. The hidden unforgiveness I had been ignoring and holding onto surfaced — and hurt people I love. Not only that, but I realized how my unforgiveness comes up regularly in my daily life (hello, grumpiness! hello, gossip! hello, tendency to try to control everything!).

Praying this set of forgiveness prayers daily opened my eyes to people and situations that had hurt me throughout my life. Once I was aware of that pain, I was able to work towards forgiving those people. Although I wasn’t expecting to feel different, once I started this work, I felt a new lightness and freedom that I wasn’t even aware I was missing. It was life changing.

Forgiveness isn’t usually a one and done deal, however. It takes daily work, and continual perseverance. Due to our hardened hearts, we often have to forgive others for past hurts more than once. Also, as life continues, some people let us down or actively hurt us again and again.

For this and other reasons, I’ve noticed that my “unforgiveness behaviors,” for lack of a better term, have been creeping back into my life. So, I currently and regularly need to recommit to the work of forgiveness. Forgiving people and the work of forgiveness are pretty vague concepts, so here’s how this practically looks in my life.

The most simple and concrete step to take in forgiving someone is to say out loud, “I forgive (this person).” It is straightforward, but not always easy. Repeat this daily. Find a time to make forgiveness part of your day. If you already have a daily time of prayer or quiet, slip it in there. If not, find a regular activity and time (brushing your teeth, a commute, walking the dog) to start including it.

There may be hurt in your life that you have chosen not to think about and have actively pushed away somewhere back in the depths of your heart. This is normal. But you will need to do some mental work to let those painful experiences come to light. If you don’t acknowledge hidden pain, you won’t know what and who you need to forgive. I have to first remember the hurt, acknowledge its presence and pain in my life, and then be able to say, “So and so hurt me, but I forgive that person.” This set of prayers helps me recall things I like to not think about. 

In the morning, think about your day and predict what moments will frustrate you and disturb your peace. For example, on a Wednesday, you might already know that your morning interactions with your coworker Natalie will tick you off, or that your afternoon time with your kids will make you impatient and want to snap at them, or that your husband will leave for his guys’ night, leaving most responsibilities to you and causing some angst.

You can then take a minute and prepare for those situations, practicing forgiveness in advance by imagining the encounter so you can think about how you could react better, and with more intentionality. This little preparatory examination of conscience may seem daunting, but it should only take a few minutes.