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Unfortunately, we hear more and more about violence involving young people.
On the Reflektor vlog (in Slovenian) we spoke to Mirela Čorić, a criminal investigator from Slovenia, about raising children's and parents' awareness of the dangers of peer violence, the dangers of children on their phones, as well as her motherly parenting techniques.
Here is part of our conversation.
Professionally, you work a lot with teenage violence. How can we prevent violence among children and adolescents as much as possible, both physical and verbal, including online?
Mirela Čorić: I hope and strive to do a lot by raising awareness, starting among children. I feel that it’s too late to talk to them about it when they are already in 8th or 9th grade. It’s necessary, of course, to start from an early age.
How can parents contribute to this?
Čorić: Parents have the biggest influence. We appeal to parents and school staff about how to talk to children, and explain that there is a lot to talk about on the subject of violence.
Children should be taught empathy, to know how to help a friend, not just to look out for themselves. Children need to feel for each other and tell each other if someone is in distress, or if someone is spreading malicious content about them on social networks.
Let's say for example that a child tripped and fell, and then someone who took a picture of it shared it on social media. Now that child is the target of ridicule and bullying, when really the child is in need and should be helped.
As parents, we need to tell our children that this is not the way to behave, and change their perspective. “How would you feel if you were in their shoes? How would it feel if the whole class was laughing at you?” Children need to be taught empathy in this way already at school and even in kindergarten. This is how we can change things somewhere in the future.
More about Mirela Čorić
What should school workers, a father, or a mother do if they notice violence among children and young people?
Čorić: We teach staff in educational institutions that violence should be reported. School authorities need to be made aware of it. We need to have zero tolerance towards violence. Because if teachers tolerate peer violence, it sends a strong message to children: be violent and you will get through life better that way. But that message is wrong.
What more can each of us do to make a difference, so that a young person doesn’t come to school and start shooting?
Čorić: My opinion is that the whole of society has an influence on this. If we pass the hate on, we get the hate back. We parents are role models for our children. If they hear bad words or hatred from us at home, they pass it on to their peers.
We need to watch how we behave at home. If I tell my child to put the phone on the table at 9 p.m., I will put it down too, because I’m a role model. This way, we can change their behavior..
How does modern technology influence increased aggression?
Čorić: Children often confide in me during my conferences. If they aren’t on their phones, on social media, they’re excluded from their group of friends.
My 14-year-old son got two warnings at the beginning of the school year that he had taken his phone to school, even though we had agreed otherwise. If you see that something is having a bad effect on a child, you have to take it away. And we took his phone away for three months. During that time he changed so much for the better that we couldn't believe it. He was no longer bothered about how many friends he had on social networks and what anyone was writing about him.
That's when his real friends showed up, the ones who rang his doorbell and invited him to the basketball court. "Likes" mean a lot to children. They count friends through who they have on their phone, but they don't know them.
How, and how much, should we parents monitor our children's phones?
Čorić: When I ask in class how many children have parental controls on their phones, one, maybe two students raise their hand. I urge parents to monitor their children's phones, to look at what photos they have, what groups they have, whether there is controversial, perhaps offensive content, content that is peer violence …
Then to talk to the children, tell them that this is not acceptable, that it is offensive, and teach them to put themselves in the shoes of the victim. I teach parents that they must teach their children to use the phone properly as soon as it is put in their hands. When we teach them to walk, we hold their hands. Before we put them on a bike for the first time, we give them protective equipment and help them. In the same way, we need to teach them how to use the phone.
If the parents aren’t proficient on the phone, and don’t know how the apps work, it’s also difficult to teach the child. That is why we parents need to educate ourselves and prepare.
Due to your job, are your children ever afraid for you?
Čorić: I try to tell them as little as possible about work because it’s stressful for them. For example, when my high-profile robbery arrests were highly publicized a few years ago, they felt a lot of fear then; they asked me if I was going to come back home, what if something like that happened again, what if somebody retaliated... They had a lot of fears. So it's not the best thing for the children. They also wanted to know where I was speaking, to whom I was giving a conference. The youngest one wants me to speak at their school too, but the middle one doesn't even want me to give conferences.
The eyes of criminologists see many things. And then you are afraid. My biggest fear as a parent is drugs. Because you see how young people — because of difficult situations at home, in the family, and the hardships they are going through — turn to the world of drugs. And that’s my biggest fear.
What do we parents need to pay particular attention to when we talk about drugs?
Čorić: We need to be alert to sudden changes, e.g., when our kids are suddenly too sleepy, too energetic, sleeping too much, being too absent, too outgoing, disregarding authority, becoming aggressive. This is the first change that a parent can detect. For me, all drugs are dangerous; even weed.
